


Cursed

by DiamondWings



Category: VIXX
Genre: Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Because that would be.. too simple, But it's not quite that simple, Curses, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Hakyeon is cursed, M/M, Magic, Nobility and Castles, Sanghyuk is lonely, european medieval setting, there is one scene with implied suicidal tendencies, they aren't that important though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-12
Updated: 2018-10-10
Packaged: 2019-07-11 11:01:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 35,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15970979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DiamondWings/pseuds/DiamondWings
Summary: After his father's death, Sanghyuk has to move to the castle of Lord Hakyeon, the son of his father's deceased friend who is supposed to uphold a promise his father gave Sanghyuk's a long time ago. For the longest time, Sanghyuk doesn't even meet Lord Hakyeon, and when he does it's a total disaster. He feels like the only one he can truely confide in anymore in the foreign castle is the mysterious boy in the garden who always hides his face and goes by the strange name N...





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Crossposted from aff. This was a birthday gift to a precious friend almost 2 years ago. I haven't revised it since then but felt like crossposting it to here now

The carriage shook and swayed dangerously as the horses pulled it carefully over the bad roads where stones and potholes alternated with knee-deep mud and the occasional river.

Sanghyuk’s mood wasn’t foul because of the bad road and slow progress of their journey, though. He wasn’t usually one to pout when things didn’t go his way, but some things were just too much!

“I don’t even know the guy! I don’t think dad even knew the guy! Just because he’s dad’s friend’s son, that doesn’t mean he’s the same as his dad and just as trustworthy! Take me, for example: I’m nothing like my dad; so why should the guy be the same as his dad? I don’t trust him! You hear me, Hongbin? I don’t trust him at all!”

He vented to his servant, who thanked his rigorous education for teaching him how to keep his amused grin hidden as he listened to his young master repeat the same rant for the fourth or fifth time since they’d started the journey.

“I don’t understand why I couldn’t just stay at home and wait until dad’s agents found someone suitable for me to marry. Why would he trust a stranger with that? Does the guy even know what he has to watch out for when making the choice? His father may have known, but he’s been dead for years! If the guy is just little older than me, the chance that he ever even listened to his dad when he told him about that back when he was still alive are really very slim!”

“You know your father didn’t trust his agents not to go with the option that was best for them instead of best for you when finding you a partner. The Lord made the deal with his friend to make sure you got into a safe marriage, not a profitable one, should he die before he could arrange your marriage.”

Sanghyuk huffed at the reminder, waving his hand dismissively.

“Yes, yes, I know! That’s not the question here, though. Who’s to say dad’s friend’s son won’t choose what’s best for him and not for me, too?”

Hongbin shook his head.

“Lord Hakyeon isn’t that kind of person. He doesn’t care for his own profit, he will honor his father’s promise and make sure you marry someone who will protect you and treat you right.”

“How do you know that? Do you know him?”

“I grew up in his father’s household until I left for school. I’ve known him all my life. He is a good person.”

Sanghyuk’s jaw dropped.

“Why didn’t you tell me before?”

The young servant shrugged.

“You never asked.”

Sanghyuk narrowed his eyes and kicked Hongbin’s shin lightly.

“You should have told me! I thought we were friends!”

Silence fell over them as neither voiced what both of them thought: but friendships between a noble man and a servant were never real. As well as they got along, they were never equal, and could never have a real friendship.

“Are you really sure he won’t marry me off to someone unsuitable, just for his own profit?” Sanghyuk broke the silence after a while, his voice unsure and showing his fear now.

Hongbin nodded reassuringly.

“He won’t. I’ve been told by my friends who still work for him that he’s been inconsolable since his father died, but he’s been honoring all of his father’s promises. He is a good person. He won’t let you down.”

Sanghyuk sighed.

“I’d still rather have stayed at home… Oh why couldn’t dad marry me off early like everyone else!”

Hongbin shook his head.

“He didn’t want to make a hasty choice, as well as grant you your freedom for as long as possible.”

Sanghyuk snorted at that.

“Freedom… I haven’t left the castle since I was eight! If I’d been mated to someone who’d let me at least leave the house once a year, I would have had more freedom than I ever had before!”

Hongbin knew the young Lord was being unreasonable, but he wouldn’t voice it like that.

“For that to happen, he’d have to find someone who’d let you do that first. But with your status-“

“Ugh! Status, status! I am a person, first and foremost! A human! With a brain and feelings! Not some rare collectible to lock away in a private museum!”

The silence that followed Sanghyuk’s words was heavy. They both knew that what Sanghyuk so vehemently denied was actually the truth: Sanghyuk _was_ a rare collectible, whether he wanted it or not.

As an incredibly rare omega, he was sure to be coveted by everyone, regardless of social status. As a noble omega, even everyone with a higher social status than him and his dad had already kneeled in front of his father begging for his hand. And since he wasn’t just a noble omega, but also a fertile one, it was truly a wonder no one had started a war over him yet.

The silence stretched on, and the two young men stared out of the windows. One with well-hidden excitement and anticipation to see his old friends again, and one with dread, anger and a deep rooted sadness he wasn’t allowing to surface.

***

Despite how late it was already getting and that the horses really needed to rest and be fed soon, they boarded the carriage once more after a short stop, much to Sanghyuk’s dismay.

“Just one more hour and we’ll be there. It’s later than expected, but they are surely waiting eagerly for us to arrive.” Hongbin announced as he climbed inside after Sanghyuk.

Sanghyuk huffed and turned to stare out of the window again. Far away on the horizon a storm was brewing, and he was pretty sure it was in that direction that they were heading.

_“Fitting. All I needed was to get stuck in a mud pitch just before arriving. Or maybe a tree will fall on us and destroy the carriage and we have to walk the rest of the way in pouring rain. Or the horses get scared and run off blindly and we crash. Or the wind blows us off a bridge and we drown…”_

“Lord Sanghyuk!”

Sanghyuk jumped as Hongbin’s voice ripped him out of his thoughts, sounding as if it hadn’t been the first time he was calling for him.

“What?”

Hongbin flinched a little at his Lord’s biting tone, but answered nonetheless.

“If you look out of the windows on this side, you can already see the castle in the distance.”

Sanghyuk grumbled something about why would he want to see that before he needed to, but scooted over to the side Hongbin was sitting on anyway to take a look.

Against a dark and stormy sky that promised to rain hell down on earth, the silhouette of an even darker castle stood defiantly as lightning flashed around it, managing to look even more daunting than the massive storm clouds overhead.

“Looks absolutely lovely.” Sanghyuk deadpanned before turning his face away to look out of the other window and at the last remains of sun kissing the green fields in the distance. The weather over the castle might fit his mood better, but the fading sun was too good of a metaphor for his own soon to be ending freedom to leave it unobserved.

“It is actually quite lovely, it only looks this dark because of the weather right now.” Hongbin tried to defend his old home, but Sanghyuk wasn’t listening.

His expression had managed to adopt the same dark tone as the sky above them by the time the carriage rolled through the gate and stopped in front of the large castle doors, and it even surpassed it when heavy drops of rain began to splatter down around them while Hongbin’s knocking went unheard for more long minutes before a tiny window opened in the massive doors for someone to peek outside.

“Binnie!” A voice exclaimed and the doors opened seconds later, revealing a butler that had to visibly refrain from hugging the servant in front of his master.

“Lord Sanghyuk! We awaited your arrival much earlier today, but since you didn’t make it we weren’t expecting you to arrive until tomorrow anymore. Please, come in, though! You need to forgive Lord Hakyeon, he is currently too busy to welcome you.”

Out of the corner of his eyes, Sanghyuk registered Hongbin stepping back to help the hastily arriving servants with his luggage, as well as two stable boys who came to take care of the horses while he followed the butler inside.

“If you’d like to follow me to the dining room; supper shall be served in no time, and if you’d like to be shown around the house afterwards, it will be arranged.”

Sanghyuk nodded, wondering if it was normal for butlers nowadays to talk that much. His own butler back at home surely didn’t talk even a fifth of the amount this one managed to talk in a few minutes during a whole day.

He wasn’t about to alienate the man, though; it was never wise to get on bad terms with your servants, but for someone like Sanghyuk it could prove to be a fatal stupidity.

He followed quietly, keeping his thoughts and newly rising anger at the resident Lord to himself. He could at the very least come and greet his guest, even if it was just shortly! Such a lack of respect and manners, really!

Sanghyuk frowned even more when he noticed he had to actually strain his eyes to make out the floor he was walking on and not lose sight of the butler leading the way only a couple steps ahead of him. Why were the hallways kept so dark? I was nearly impossible to see where one was going!

Eventually, the butler stopped in front of a door, opening it wide and stepping aside for Sanghyuk to enter first. The room behind it was the dining room, and Sanghyuk supposed it was quite large; supposed, because half of it was kept in the shadows, with only one half being illuminated.

“Supper will be served in just a moment. Please make yourself comfortable, Lord Sanghyuk.”

With that, the butler left, and Sanghyuk found himself alone in the dark room. He shivered slightly, hugging his arms around himself to warm up a bit.

How did it come he wasn’t guided to his room first to freshen up after the long journey before being led to dinner? Wasn’t that the way it should have been? Not that he had any personal experience with that, but that was how he remembered it from the time back in the day when his family still had guests over. Granted, that hadn’t happened in almost 14 years; but did things really change that much in that time?

He shrugged, choosing a seat at the long table while he wondered why the fireplace wasn’t lit when the room was clearly too cold this way. That was when he noticed the thin streaks on the otherwise polished table in front of him: dust. He looked closer, swiping at it with his fingers. Definitely dust. The whole table must have been covered in it and someone had only just recently wiped over it quickly, but not very thoroughly.

How could the dining table gather dust? It was almost as if no one used it…

Just as the butler had promised, it didn’t take long before a small door on the side of the room opened and two maids appeared to serve him dinner. He nodded his thanks as they set it down in front of him and disappeared just as quickly as they had appeared.

Sanghyuk furrowed his brow. It was weird to eat alone. He’d always eaten with his father, and after the old man had died, Hongbin had been there to keep him company during the meals.

He started eating, jumping a little as his spoon collided with the side of the bowl of soup and made a terribly loud noise in the otherwise quiet room. Only then did he notice how quiet it really was; not a single sound could be heard, neither in the room nor from outside of it. It was as if the whole castle was completely silent.

A shiver ran up his spine again, but not from the cold. It was eerie, such a quiet house. At home, even when he was somewhere quiet and alone, there were still noises around him, coming from other parts of the house or outside. But here, there was nothing; not even the sound of the wind or the rain from outside made it to him.

Suddenly losing his appetite, Sanghyuk quickly ate just enough so he knew he wouldn’t be starving in the middle of the night and rang for the butler.

The man appeared quickly, bowing before Sanghyuk.

“You rang, Lord Sanghyuk?”

“I’m done eating. I’d like to go to my room to freshen up, maybe retire for the night. Surely I can get a tour of the house tomorrow, still?”

The butler inclined his head.

“Of course, Lord Sanghyuk. Your luggage is already upstairs, and your servant has been setting up your rooms. Please, follow me.”

He led the way through more dimly to barely lit hallways, and more than a few shivers ran down Sanghyuk’s back. He almost screamed when he walked face first into a spider web, and he started to dread what his rooms must look like.

Surprisingly enough, they were quite nice. Spacious and tastefully decorated, clean -and most importantly- brightly illuminated.

Sanghyuk sighed in relief, and felt even more relieved when he spotted Hongbin in between his multiple suitcases, busying himself with stowing away Sanghyuk’s belongings.

Sanghyuk watched him for a moment before he stopped him.

“Hongbin-ah… Have you eaten anything yet?”

The servant stopped in his tracks, holding a bunch of clothes in his arms.

“No.”

Sanghyuk sighed again.

“You should. The journey was as long for you as for me. You can always put the rest away tomorrow. Just show me where my sleeping clothes are and then go freshen up and eat something yourself.”

Hongbin nodded, only finishing putting away the clothes he was already holding.

“Which sleeping clothes do you want?” His voice came muffled from the dressing room, and Sanghyuk strolled over.

“I don’t care. Something comfortable, and warm. It’s freezing in here!”

Hongbin returned shortly after, setting the chosen pair of pajamas down on a small bench.

“Should I light the fireplace?”

Sanghyuk shook his head.

“I’m just going to bed. You go eat and catch up with your friends if they have the time. But bring more candles when you come back! This place is so creepy…” He muttered at the end, and Hongbin smiled sympathetically.

“It’s just because it got dark so suddenly, I think. Tomorrow in daylight everything will look much brighter and not creepy at all.”

Sanghyuk shrugged, and after reassuring himself that his Lord had everything he needed, Hongbin left Sanghyuk alone as he headed off towards the kitchens.

The young Lord didn’t waste much time, only quickly washing his hands and face before changing and hiding under the covers of the large and comfortable bed. The journey had been long indeed, and he was more tired from it than he’d expected. It didn’t take long until he was fast asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

It must have been the early morning hours when Sanghyuk woke up again, only one small candle still burning in the otherwise dark room. For a moment, Sanghyuk had no idea what had woken him up, and he quickly settled down again, ready to go back to sleep.

He was on the border of unconsciousness when he heard it again: a quiet whimper, followed by a choked sob.

He was instantly awake again, listening into the darkness and trying to figure out if he’d really heard what he thought he’d heard and where it came from.

He heard what sounded like sniffling, but the sound following it might as well have been the wind howling in some open window somewhere else in the castle. The following noises, though, were definitely the sounds of someone crying.

Sanghyuk frowned. Who could be crying in the middle of the night when everyone else slept, and why could he hear it so clearly in his room? Was Hongbin crying?

Quickly, Sanghyuk hurried out of his bed, shivering in the cold night air and wrapping a blanket around himself before grabbing the single candle and venturing towards the other side of his suite where a door led to a small room that was Hongbin’s.

He knocked lightly before opening the door and peeking inside, but the flickering light of the candle showed a peacefully sleeping Hongbin in his bed. As quietly as he could, he closed the door again, listening again to see if he could still hear the sobs and muffled whines.

He could, and wrapping the blanket tighter around himself, he headed towards the door to the hallway. He’d barely made it outside when the whines turned into a wail, and the door-handle slipped out of his fingers as he jumped. A passing gust of wind slammed it shut with a loud bang as it also blew out Sanghyuk’s candle, and Sanghyuk was just glad the bang of the door muffled his own frightened scream as he was left in the dark.

Feeling blindly along the wall and then the wood of the door, Sanghyuk tried to find the handle in the darkness, but his hand kept finding nothing and he became more frantic in his search. He didn’t want to spend the rest of the night in the cold hallway!

Luckily, the door opened moments later, eliciting a surprised squeak from Sanghyuk before he saw Hongbin’s face in front of him.

“Sanghyuk-ah? What are you doing out here?” Sleepily, Hongbin blinked his eyes as he tried to focus, his hair sticking out in every direction and not much of him reminding of his impeccable servant status.

“I… There were… I just wanted to check… Never mind.” Sanghyuk stuttered, giving up half-way. He didn’t want to explain that he’d woken up from the sound of someone crying and had decided to investigate but had chickened out as soon as his light went out.

Hongbin hid a yawn but accepted Sanghyuk’s explanation anyway, following him as he led the way to his bedroom again and climbed into his bed. Hongbin exchanged the blown out and burned down candle Sanghyuk had taken with a new one, lighting it and placing it back in its original spot while Sanghyuk watched him from over the edge of his duvet.

“Do you need anything else?” The servant asked tiredly, but Sanghyuk shook his head.

“No. Go back to sleep. Sorry for waking you.”

Hongbin just inclined his head, turning around and leaving, and no doubt fell back asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

Sanghyuk wasn’t as lucky. He spent quite a while still listening into the darkness, trying to hear the crying again, but it had stopped.

The sky was already lighting up again when Sanghyuk finally found sleep again.

***

Sanghyuk ate breakfast alone after waking up fairly late that morning. Hongbin had barely been able to conceal his desire to return to the kitchens where his friends were to be found at this time of the day, and Sanghyuk dismissed him early to allow him to spend his time there. The result was another meal taken in solitude, since apparently his host was unavailable again (“Lord Hakyeon left early, not mentioning when he’d return. He just instructed us not to wait up for him with the meals.”).

Despite the sun shining brightly outside, the breakfast salon was half shrouded in shadows, making it hard to see as far as to the back wall from where Sanghyuk sat. The curtains had only been pulled back from one of the large windows, bathing the head of the breakfast table in warm light but leaving the rest in the dark.

He quickly found out that the breakfast salon wasn’t the exception as the butler showed him around the house after he was done eating. Only here and there the floor length curtains were pulled back or even just parted, allowing sunlight to stream into the dark hallways and rooms.

Sanghyuk couldn’t help himself as he followed the animated butler around the castle; even in the daylight, he didn’t see the beauty of the castle Hongbin had promised. He still found it exceptionally creepy. It didn’t help that whenever he looked closer he found traces of dust everywhere, even spider webs in the darker corners, unevenly faded colours when he moved pillows even just a fraction, dried out lamps and candles that had molten in their holders a long time ago.

The whole castle looked as if it hadn’t been lived in in years and only just hastily been given a quick, rushed superficial touch-up to make it look at least a bit more presentable at first glance.

While Sanghyuk wasn’t superstitious, he wouldn’t have surprised if it was haunted, too. The memory of the crying he’d heard at night didn’t help dispel that thought. Sanghyuk shivered, and when the butler declared the tour over, Sanghyuk was all too happy to dismiss him. His upbeat nature didn’t fit the somber atmosphere of the castle, only heightening it with the stark contrast it provided.

He didn’t bother ringing for Hongbin and made the way up to his chambers by himself to get a jacket against any possible winds before leaving the castle through the garden salon, deciding to explore the vast gardens in hopes of finding a more alive environment there than within the castle walls.

He was lucky. The gardens were well-kept, not a single leaf out of place on the sculpted bushes and hedges, the sand of the walkways freshly swept and no dead leaves to be found on it. A multitude of different flowers bloomed in beds everywhere, marble statues of pristine white, black green and rosé stood on pedestals bar of any traces of moss, and little fountains splashed freezing cold water into basins so clean they looked as good as new.

What the insides of the castle lacked in cleanliness and traces of life, the gardens made up for tenfold.

What fascinated Sanghyuk the most, though, were the many hidden nooks with benches and other seating arrangements, some under the open sky, others inside of little pergolas and garden pavilions. Tall bushes, strategically placed statues and fountains and expertly grown hedges hid the secret hideouts, making Sanghyuk wonder how many there were as he was sure he’d only just found a handful of them, most of them purely accidentally.

Exploring like that, he managed to forget the time completely, and if it hadn’t been for the bell announcing both lunch and dinner he would have missed both meals. Not that it would have made that much of a difference to him, since he was left alone for both.

When the evening became night and his host had yet to return, Sanghyuk decided to retreat to his room. The salons and library weren’t all that nice on your own, even less so when not a single fireplace warmed the cold rooms, and way too few candles refused to properly light them.

While Sanghyuk’s good mood from the day spent out in the beautiful gardens fled out of one of the many rattling windows fairly quickly, Hongbin was in the best mood Sanghyuk had ever seen him in.

He asked the servant to tell him about his day, and Hongbin prattled on animatedly while lighting a small fire in the fireplace of Sanghyuk’s bedroom.

“…so Wonshik kept stealing and hiding the marzipan leaves behind his back every time Taekwoon turned around, and the poor guy just thought he’d misplaced them! But Wonshik forgot that his back was facing the door and didn’t hear Jaehwan –you know, the butler- come in, and of course he ratted Wonshik out. I bet the boy isn’t going to get anything edible from the kitchens for at least a week, the way Taekwoon glared at him! That is, if Lord Hakyeon doesn’t interfere again. If it wasn’t for him, Wonshik would have gone to bed starving tonight!”

Sanghyuk sat up straight at that.

“Wait, what? Is he here?”

Hongbin looked up shortly from the small flame he was nursing in the cold fireplace to give Sanghyuk a confused look before returning his focus to what he’d been doing.

“Who, Lord Hakyeon?”

“Yes! The butler told me he’d gone out!”

Hongbin nodded without looking up.

“He did go out, this morning. But he came back just before lunch. He’s been here ever since.”

Sanghyuk let himself fall back into the armchair he’d been sitting in, crossing his arms over his chest and huffing.

“He must have been really busy, I assume.”

Hongbin shook his head distractedly.

“Not really. He spent a good time after lunch in the kitchen just chatting with Taekwoon and Jaehwan. He went up into his chambers for a while, but I remember him mentioning he was ‘bored out of his mind’ when he came back into the kitchen before dinner. He even helped Taekwoon decorating the desserts and clean up afterwards.”

Sanghyuk’s mood darkened even more.

“Well, then he must have forgotten I’m here…”

Hongbin shook his head again.

“Hardly. He asked me about you on multiple occasions… Wait. Haven’t you two met yet?!” Hongbin finally looked up from the fire that was resisting his attempts to keep it alive, staring at Sanghyuk with wide eyes.

“Well, no. But I’m so very glad the good Lord has acknowledged my presence at least in front of his staff.”

Hongbin was taken aback by the bitterness in Sanghyuk’s tone.

“Sanghyuk-ah… I’m sure there is a reason why he hasn’t talked to you yet… Maybe you just kept missing each other…?”

Sanghyuk leveled a disbelieving look at Hongbin that made the servant shrink back a little.

“With a house full of butlers, servants and maids that know exactly where I’ve been all day? Carrying food and dishes between the rooms we were in, probably with nothing more than a single wall between us? I find that hard to believe.”

“There must be another good reason then…”

“Of course there must. Like him just not _wanting_ to even say so much as hello to me, maybe?”

Hongbin shook his head.

“No, that’s not like him…” He trailed off, swallowing whatever else it was that he’d wanted to say upon seeing the glare Sanghyuk directed at him.

“Excuse me if I fail to see your good reason. I find it extremely disrespectful and worrying that he doesn’t even bother to see me when he has the not unimportant task to decide over my future; important for me, that is. Who knows how much importance your flawless Lord Hakyeon even gives that.” He spat, getting up from his seat. “You can stop bothering with the fire. I’m going to sleep. You’re dismissed.”

Hongbin gaped at the young Lord, never having witnessed an outbreak like that from him.

“I said you’re dismissed, Hongbin. Leave!” Sanghyuk repeated when the servant didn’t move, and he quickly followed the order, though not without hurt flashing in his eyes.

He’d never been treated like that by Sanghyuk, who usually tried to pretend they weren’t Lord and servant, but more equal; friends, even. But right now, Sanghyuk was nothing but cold.

Hongbin bit his lip; Sanghyuk was really bothered by the fact Lord Hakyeon hadn’t so much as talked to him yet. He sounded hurt, actually.

He furrowed his brow, too, as he debated if he should leave and return to the kitchen, or stay in his own room. He could understand Sanghyuk, though. It wasn’t easy for him, being that he couldn’t decide over his own life himself and having to trust others to protect him at all times; and when his supposed protector didn’t seem to show any interest in his existence…

***

Sanghyuk didn’t want to admit it even to himself as he climbed into bed, forcing down the tears that threatened to spill out of his eyes, but he had no choice: He was scared.

He had no choice but to trust Lord Hakyeon to keep him safe until he was married, and for him to make sure he married someone who he was safe with, too. But how could he trust the other with that if he never even met him, and even more so if the other didn’t even show any interest in him?

He couldn’t.

And since he couldn’t trust him, all that was left to him was fear. Fear for his safety during his stay at Lord Hakyeon’s castle, and even more fear for his future.

How he managed to fall asleep with that fear choking him, he would never know. Maybe he’d passed out as it increased its choking hold and he didn’t remember it.

What he was certain of as he woke up in the middle of the night again, though, was that the crying was back. It was quieter than the night before, but without the noise of a storm outside muffling the sounds, the sobs sounded way clearer.

Instantly awake, Sanghyuk climbed out of his bed, wrapping the blanket around himself and lighting a lamp with the candle on the dresser opposite of his bed. Careful not to let the door fall shut, he left the corner of a towel stuck between it and its frame, and ventured down the hallway from where the sobs seemed to come. They didn’t sound like a child or a woman’s sobs, but… Sanghyuk shook his head. It didn’t matter how delicate the crying sounded, it sounded distressed and hurt first and foremost, and he wanted to find and console whoever was crying.

Returning to the present from his thoughts, he paused and listened out for the sobs to guide his way. He couldn’t hear anything, though. He waited a while longer, but nothing.

Annoyed at himself for getting lost in his thoughts and losing his trail that way, he walked back the way he’d come, attentive to any sounds the whole way, but he didn’t hear anything. Not even when he found himself back in front of his own door. Again, he stood still and waited, but the sobbing had stopped.

Sanghyuk sighed, hoping that whoever had been crying had had someone to comfort them and were feeling better now.

He climbed back into bed and was fast asleep in no time.

***

Sanghyuk was about to curse as he stood in the breakfast salon the next morning. Alone.

The butler, Jaehwan, had informed him that Lord Hakyeon had already eaten and was currently busy.

With next to no appetite, Sanghyuk barely ate anything before storming outside. The morning was extremely windy, but he steered his steps towards a part of the garden where the bushes were big enough to keep the wind away and laid down on a stone bench that the morning sun had warmed up already.

For hours, he kept looking up at the clouds, until said clouds became one massive one, covering the sun and every bit of blue sky. The wind picked up and forced him inside, and as soon as he’d stepped into the empty garden salon, big rain drops started falling from the now nearly black skies.

So much for the single nice place he’d found he enjoyed staying in. Sighing, he climbed the stairs to his chambers through the dark hallways and darker staircases to sort his windswept hair before lunch.

Eventually, the bell sounded and he made his way down to the dining room, where Jaehwan was already waiting for him.

“Lord Sanghyuk. Lunch is served. Lord Hakyeon sends his best wishes, hoping you are enjoying your stay so far and asks you to excuse him, as something came up and he can’t share the meal with you.”

Sanghyuk huffed, ignoring the butler’s words as he sat down and ate with little appetite.

Unfortunately, it was still raining heavily when he finished his meal, and he only debated for a second if he should risk venturing outside anyway. It would be foolish, and he wasn’t a fool. So he trudged to the library instead, gathering a few books that sounded at least somewhat interesting and holed himself up in the reading room. At least here the curtains were pulled back, even though it was pretty much useless since the weather didn’t allow much light to stream in anyway.

He rang the bell and a maid came to light the candles and lamps in the room, giving him enough light to read. He couldn’t really focus, though, and all the books he’d picked bored him. Still, he forced himself to remain occupied with them until it was time for dinner, and almost heaved a sigh of relief when the bell rang.

Any kind of relief left when he once again only found Jaehwan with an apologetic look in the dining room, though.

“Let me guess: Lord Hakyeon can’t make it?” Sanghyuk tried not to spit the words with too much venom, but the expression on the butler’s face told him he’d failed.

“Unfortunately. He sends his apologies, Lord Sanghyuk.”

Sanghyuk was about to tell the butler where Lord Hakyeon could stuff his apologies, but reminded himself that it was not the butler’s fault and not to take it out on him. Instead, he took it out on the meat and potatoes on his plate, and later scolded himself that it was also not the maids’ fault that their boss was a crappy host, but that it would be them who would have to pay for it when they had to put more time and effort into cleaning the tablecloth Sanghyuk had accidentally spilled sauce all over during his attempt to murder the innocent and quite dead already asparagus that came with the meat and potatoes.

He called it another early night.

As he didn’t find Hongbin already waiting in his room, he debated for a moment if he should bother ringing for him at all, but ultimately decided to do so anyway. He needed a bath and to send some dirty clothes to be washed, and damned should he be if he made the way down to the kitchens himself, and possibly ran into a hiding Lord Hakyeon there.

He was the guest, he’d already made it all the way here to Lord Hakyeon’s castle; he’d done his part. It was his host’s turn to make it out of hiding and meet him, and not Sanghyuk’s duty to turn the castle upside down to look for his host.

Hongbin was winded when he appeared in the doorway, looking as though he’d run up here from wherever he’d been before.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t expect you to be up here so early.” He apologized, catching his breath quickly.

Sanghyuk ignored his excuse.

“I need to take a bath and those clothes over there washed. And I don’t want to sit in the cold while taking my bath.”

Hongbin flinched at the monotone order, bar of any emotion whatsoever.

He took a step after Sanghyuk when the Lord made to leave the room.

“Sanghyuk-ah-“

“That’s _Lord Sanghyuk_ for you.”

The reprimand hit Hongbin like a slap in the face.

“L-Lord Sanghyuk, I’m sorry that Lord Hakyeon hasn’t talked to you yet-“

“Has he told you that, or how did you find out that much?”

Hongbin grimaced behind his back.

“I figured. And I’m sorry-“

“Everyone seems to be sorry for something these days, yet no one does anything to avoid having to be sorry; isn’t that funny? I’m sorry I was born a way that makes me nothing but a nuisance or a collectible for others, but does that help any? It doesn’t. So what good is being sorry, then? My bath, Hongbin. And a fire to warm up these freezing rooms. Today, if possible.”

With that, he shut the door behind himself, slowly stepping out of his clothes and wrapping himself in a warming bathrobe.

He knew he wasn’t being fair to Hongbin, but it hurt that his supposed friend was so quick to defend and apologize for the shortcomings of the other Lord instead of taking his side in this. It made him feel not only not welcome here, but also incredibly lonely. 


	3. Chapter 3

Sanghyuk wasn’t surprised to wake up to the sound of crying again. It sounded so close, too! And so incredibly sad and heartbroken that his own heart ached just from hearing it.

Wrapping the blanket around himself and lighting the lamp on his dresser, he once again headed out to find the source of the heart-wrenching cries, taking care not to let his thoughts wander.

It was futile, though; the further he walked along the dark hallways, following the sound, the quieter it got. When he returned to his room, the cries got louder, as if they were coming from inside his chambers.

Just to make sure, he checked on Hongbin again, reassuring himself he wasn’t really the one crying, but no. The servant was asleep, and while his face looked a little troubled, he wasn’t crying.

Sanghyuk stepped into the hallway again, but with a few more tired sniffles, the crying ceased. Sighing, Sanghyuk returned to bed.

When he entered the breakfast salon the next morning, he was surprised to find Hongbin there waiting for him instead of the butler. He raised a mocking eyebrow.

“Oh? So today it’s you who’s coming to excuse Lord Hakyeon for leaving me to eat alone again?”

Hongbin shrunk under his biting words, but not far.

“No. Lord Sanghyuk, I want to apologize for upsetting you. I know now how you feel about apologies, but still, I want to beg for your forgiveness if my behavior hurt you. It was never my intention, and while I do believe Lord Hakyeon must have a reason to avoid you if that is what he’s doing, I do understand why that upsets you and don’t agree with his behavior towards you.”

Sanghyuk waved his hand dismissively, letting himself fall into the chair he’d claimed as his and motioning for Hongbin to sit down as well.

Hongbin’s apology would do nothing about Lord Hakyeon avoiding him, and even if the servant had ways to contact the other Lord, Sanghyuk wasn’t going to ask Hongbin to do anything about it. It wouldn’t be fair to put the servant in an uncomfortable position between the two of them.

“Lord Hakyeon was your lord before I was, and has been for a longer time than I’ve been. Your loyalties are torn between the two of us, and that’s understandable.” He sighed, letting his eyes roam over his breakfast but not missing the uncomfortable way Hongbin shifted in his seat.

“They shouldn’t be. I should be unconditionally loyal to you!” The servant gritted out between clenched teeth.

“But you aren’t. And it’s not a choice of the brain, but one of the heart in this case. There is nothing you can do about it.”

Hongbin hung his head low as Sanghyuk spoke a truth he didn’t want to hear.

“I no longer blame you, Hongbin. You are free to choose who your heart belongs to, and if it’s not me there is nothing I can do about it.”

Hongbin forced himself to look up again, meeting Sanghyuk’s gaze with his own troubled one.

“I want to be unconditionally loyal to you, Sanghyuk-ah! You’ve always been incredibly good to me, and I know how lucky I got to end up serving you. If I could choose, I would always choose you over everyone else!”

“Everyone, yes, except Lord Hakyeon, because he’s the one your loyalties belonged to first and foremost, before me.”

Hongbin hung his head again.

“I wish I could change that. I wish it wouldn’t be that way.”

Sanghyuk sighed.

“Don’t, Hongbin. For Lord Hakyeon to be deserving of your heart like that, he must be better to you than I am, and also better to you than he is proving to be to me. My troubles aren’t yours and I trust your judgement regarding what’s best for you. If you’d rather work for him, you are free to do so. I’ll let you out of your contract without consequences.”

Hongbin paled.

“No! That’s not what I want! Sanghyuk- Lord Sanghyuk, please! I’ll- I want to keep working for you! I’ll try, really hard. I- I… If you let me, I’ll talk to Lord Hakyeon and find out why he has yet to talk to you and do my best to make sure he does! I-“

“Hongbin…” Sanghyuk interrupted him, shaking his head. “Even if you keep serving me, you are not supposed to fight my battles. I don’t want you to get caught in the crossfire should Lord Hakyeon and I fall out with each other eventually. I don’t want you to fall into his bad graces because of me. It’s your choice if you want to keep serving me or go to him, but you better make it before it’s too late.”

Sanghyuk stood up and left at that, his breakfast barely touched, leaving a Hongbin behind who was close to tears.

He was still fighting down his tears when he returned Sanghyuk’s barely touched breakfast to the kitchens.

The other servants caught up to his state immediately.

“Binnie… What happened?”

“Did you get in trouble with your master?”

“Was he mean to you?”

Hongbin shook his head quickly.

“No! He wasn’t mean to me! He’s being too good to me, that’s what’s wrong. And I don’t deserve it!”

“Binnie, you only deserve the best from everyone.” Wonshik rested a comforting hand on Hongbin’s shoulder, but Hongbin didn’t want the comfort.

“Not when I’m being like this to him!”

“Like what? You’re serving him well, what more could he want?”

Hongbin gave Jaehwan a long and meaningful look, but it was Taekwoon who understood it first.

“Oh… He’s like that to you… Like Hakyeon… He’s more than a master.”

Hongbin flinched, hiding his face as he answered.

“He is… He’s like a friend. And now…”

“Now you’re torn.”

Hongbin didn’t want to hear it again, so he turned to leave.

“I need a moment.” He announced, stalking out of the kitchen towards the servant quarters, just to run into someone as soon as the door had fallen shut behind him.

“Sorry! I’m… sorry. Hakyeon-hyung, I’m sorry, I wasn’t looking.”

Hakyeon shook his head, steadying Hongbin before letting go.

“Neither was I. But… what’s wrong, Hongbin?” The Lord’s eyebrows knitted as he took in Hongbin’s face.

“Ah… It’s nothing.”

Hakyeon’s frown deepened.

“It’s something. Lord Sanghyuk reprimanded you again, didn’t he?”

Hongbin shook his head violently.

“No! He didn’t! Why does everyone think that?!”

“I heard him last night.”

Hongbin flinched.

“He was right to be mad!”

“At you?”

Hongbin flinched again, Hakyeon’s gaze way too knowing.

“Yes, at me, too.”

“And at who else?”

Hongbin bit his lip and averted his gaze, not wanting to answer.

“At me, I assume…” Hakyeon mused, and Hongbin couldn’t meet his eyes, confirming his suspicion.

“I guess he’s mad at me because I haven’t met him yet… And rightly so. But…” he sighed heavily. “But he’ll hate me even more after he meets me…” A profound sadness settled in his voice and eyes that took Hongbin’s breath away.

“Hyung… Why would he hate you? Once he gets to know you, I’m sure he won’t. I’m sure you might even get along really well and possibly become friends!”

Hakyeon smiled sadly, resting a hand on Hongbin’s shoulder.

“He won’t want to get to know me. One look at me and he’ll hate me, just like everyone else I meet…”

Hongbin was taken aback.

“Hyung, that’s not true! Look at us, me, and Wonshik and Jaehwan-hyung and Taekwoon-hyung, and all the others! No one hates you!”

Hakyeon shook his head again.

“No, Binnie, you don’t, but… You weren’t here anymore when it happened… When my father died, I got cursed. Everyone I met for the first time from that day on hates me as soon as they see my face.”

Hongbin’s jaw dropped.

“Hyung, that can’t be true-…”

“But it is, Hongbin. In my grief I insulted the healer for failing to save my father when he died, and in retaliation the witch cursed me. There is more to the curse, but everyone hating me at first glance is the worst part of it.”

Hongbin couldn’t believe what he heard. Against better judgement he stepped forward and hugged the man who’d been more of an older brother to him throughout all of his childhood than a Lord.

“Oh, hyung… I don’t know what to say. Can the curse be broken? I’m sure it can, they can always be broken. If anyone can break the curse, I’m sure Sanghyuk will be it, hyung. He won’t hate you.”

Hakyeon was taken aback by the hug at first, but soon returned it, biting his lip to keep his tears in check. Oh, if only Hongbin could be right… But he knew better than to hope.

***

Hongbin witnessed the effects of the curse first hand later that week. He was hiding at the top of the stairs when the guests arrived, at Hakyeon’s request watching out to keep Sanghyuk away should he decide to descend into the foyer at the same time Hakyeon was greeting the newcomers.

The entourage arriving in an ostentatiously decorated carriage consisted of a young lady who wanted to become Sanghyuk’s wife, dragging her father after her to barter with Hakyeon for his hand for her, as well as more servants than anyone could possibly need for the short journey from their lands to Hakyeon’s.

As soon as the commotion started outside, Sanghyuk appeared at the top of the stairs, next to him.

“Lord Sanghyuk! Don’t go down there, the Lady is here to ask for your hand, and Lord Hakyeon already warned me that she has quite the temper… It’s for the better if you stay out of sight…”

Sanghyuk froze, knowing all too well how these meetings went from his father. He’d only made the mistake of showing himself during one of those meetings once, and the Lady who’d been there to ask for his hand that day had lost all of her inhibitions. All that was left in his memory was that they had to refurnish the guest salon afterwards, his father had sported a black eye for a week, and guards had been posted in front of his door and followed him everywhere for almost a year.

He didn’t need a repeat of that, and so he stayed at the top of the stairs with Hongbin as they eavesdropped on the conversation in the foyer below.

At first the conversation was cordial, two men exchanging the typical pleasantries, and Hongbin whispered to Sanghyuk who of them was Lord Hakyeon. Sanghyuk could have figured that out on his own, since the other part was unmistakably an elderly man, but he nodded regardless. The two seemed to have known each other for a while, asking about the other’s family and business, but then their conversation was interrupted by a woman.

“Oh, Lord Hakyeon! I have heard so much about you, all good of course. Father, why don’t you introduce me?!” She started off with a sugar-sweet voice, which then changed in the split of a second.

“On second thought: don’t, father! What I’ve heard must have been lies! God, you are despicable! How are you a Lord?! You are less than the filth under my shoes, I can’t believe I got tricked to come to your house- no, this pig-pen! You disgust me, filthy scum! I wish you were dead! Father, let’s leave! I can’t stand a single second longer in this abominable monster’s presence!”

With more screeched curses and insults, the young Lady stormed outside, where she could be heard screaming orders at her servants to get the carriage ready to leave immediately. Meanwhile, the silence in the foyer was deafening for a moment longer, before the old man could be heard again, his voice stuttering and feeble.

“I am so, so incredibly sorry, Lord Hakyeon. I have no idea what possessed my daughter, this is not like her at all! I certainly made sure she had better manners, I can’t- I don’t understand what overcame her! My most demure apologies, Lord Hakyeon! I don’t know what to say-“

Lord Hakyeon interrupted him then, his voice infinitely tired.

“It’s alright, Lord Inguk. It’s not your or your daughter’s fault.”

“No, Lord Hakyeon! I heard my daughter, and her behavior was inexcusable!”

“I assure you, I don’t resent either of you. The young lady isn’t at fault, nor are you. Please, don’t reprimand your child. Just- Please excuse me as I take my leave. My butler will show you out.” With that, heavy footsteps could be heard, and then a door opening and falling shut.

When Sanghyuk looked at Hongbin, his own eyes wide with shock, he was surprised to see the servant’s face covered in tears.

“Hongbin?”

“He didn’t deserve that. He doesn’t- He doesn’t deserve any of that! How dare she- How dare that witch do that to him!”

A sob wrecked Hongbin’s body, and shaking his head, completely disregarding Sanghyuk’s presence, he ran off.

Sanghyuk stood rooted to his spot for a moment longer, looking after where Hongbin disappeared.

He didn’t understand what he’d just witnessed. From one moment to the next, the Lady –who apparently had never met Lord Hakyeon before- turned bitter hatred at him. It didn’t seem right to him, something was definitely wrong in that picture, but he also couldn’t help thinking… If the Lord managed to elicit such a reaction at first glance, then how much could -or rather: should- _he_ trust him?!

Shaken to his core, Sanghyuk pulled himself together and went back to his chambers. They felt stuffy, though, and grabbing his jacket he decided to head out into the gardens to collect his thoughts.

***

Sanghyuk wandered aimlessly through the gardens, unable to just sit down somewhere and needing to keep moving. He couldn’t wrap his mind around what he’d witnessed from the top of the stairs earlier, and Hongbin’s shaken expression wouldn’t leave his mind, either. He’d witnessed Hongbin upset before, but never crying. He must really care for the Lord…

Well, despite not really caring for the Lord and being rather angry at him instead for ignoring him for more than a week now despite him living under the same roof, he had to admit he didn’t think he deserved the heated words the Lady had thrown at him.

From what he’d heard from the conversation between the Lord and the Lady’s father, the Lord had been nothing but cordial and genuine, and his reaction to the outbreak… It wasn’t that of a mean person; on the contrary.

Sanghyuk was almost tempted to forgive the Lord his rudeness of ignoring his presence and to believe Hongbin when he stated that he must have a good reason to avoid him. Almost.

He kept wandering through the garden, finding a hidden path behind a fountain in the shape of a merman that he hadn’t explored before. It was narrow and the bushes grew taller and taller the further he went, and once it opened into a small clearing with a prancing unicorn statue, he froze.

He wasn’t sure if he was hearing right, but he thought he’d heard the sound of someone crying quietly; it sounded almost like the crying sounds he’d been hearing and investigating every night since he’d arrived, but this time he was sure they were way closer than he’d ever come to them in the castle.

He stayed quiet, attentive, and after a short while he head another sob, a sniffling and forced deep breaths, as if someone was desperately trying to force themselves to calm down.

Furrowing his brow, Sanghyuk looked closely around the clearing to find from which direction the cries were coming, and followed the path to his left. His feet barely made a sound on the sandy walkway as he investigated, but he wasn’t as ready to find the source of the crying as he’d thought he was. He quickly hid behind a tall bush when he found the hidden nook with a single stone bench where the crying person was sitting with their back to him.

Carefully, he peeked around the edge again, taking in the figure sitting there.

It looked like a young man, wearing fine clothing much the likes of Sanghyuk’s, but that wasn’t what surprised him; it was the person’s hair that took him aback, of such an unnaturally bright red it seemed to glow from within.

Sanghyuk had never seen hair like that, but when he saw the shaking shoulders of the man, he decided it wasn’t as important right now. He took a deep breath, and stepped out from behind the bush, clearing his throat to announce his presence.

Instantly, the man froze.

“Stop! Who are you?”

He asked, not turning around to face Sanghyuk, who took a couple of tentative steps towards him.

“I’m Lord Sanghyuk. I’ve been living here for a week. Are you alright?”

“Don’t come closer!” the other sounded as if he was close to panicking, and Sanghyuk stopped momentarily, before taking another step.

“Please, just stay where you are!”

Sanghyuk stopped definitely, confusion knitting his brow.

“A-alright… I just… wanted to check on you, I heard you crying.”

“I’m- I’m fine. Please don’t come closer and don’t look at me.”

Sanghyuk’s brow knitted further at the request.

“Why?” He asked, against better judgement and manners.

“I’m… ugly.” The man answered, hiding his face in his hands, and Sanghyuk took another step towards him.

“We’re all ugly after crying, I won’t judge you for it.”

“Don’t!” The man exclaimed again as he heard Sanghyuk’s steps, hiding his face further and tensing all over, making Sanghyuk halt again.

“That’s not… That’s not it. I’m… disfigured.”

Sanghyuk’s expression morphed into one of sympathy, despite the other not being able to see it.

“I won’t judge you for that, either, you know. Or stare at you or something.”

The man whimpered.

“You might not, but I still don’t want you to see my face. Please.”

It was such a desperate plea that Sanghyuk couldn’t go against it, and he nodded behind the other’s back.

“Alright, I won’t look at your face, promise. Can I sit down next to you, though? I’ll keep my back to you, and I won’t peek, I swear.”

The man hesitated before nodding.

“Alright. But, please, do keep your promise…”

“I will!” Sanghyuk reiterated before sitting down, with his back to the other.

“Why were you crying?” He asked then, not forgetting the reason that had led him to find the other.

It took a moment before the other answered.

“I had… a bad morning. Something… something went terribly wrong… again. I mean, I knew it would, but still… it was bad.”

Sanghyuk nodded in silence.

“I’m sorry to hear that. But if you knew it would go wrong, why did you do it?”

The other sighed.

“I didn’t have a choice.”

Sanghyuk supposed that was a valid answer.

“That’s really unfortunate…”

The other hummed in answer, and they sat in silence for a moment, until Sanghyuk remembered something.

“Do you live here, too?” He asked then, wondering what the other was doing in the castle gardens, since they were private property.

The man didn’t answer immediately, letting the silence stretch for a moment longer.

 “I do.” He eventually answered, making Sanghyuk wonder again.

“Oh… Excuse my tactlessness, but… Do you… Do you happen to cry at night, too? Because I’ve been hearing someone cry every night since I arrived a little over a week ago…”

Despite not seeing him or touching him, Sanghyuk could feel that the other was tensing up behind him.

“Y-you did? Ah-… That… That could have been me, yes. I’m sorry for bothering you… Our chimneys must be connected for you to be able to hear me…”

It was Sanghyuk’s turn to be taken aback.

“Wait, you know where my rooms are? Did you know about me being here, too?”

The other shifted on the stone bench.

“I do. I saw you when you arrived, and have seen you a couple of times more in the gardens, too.”

Sanghyuk huffed.

“And you didn’t come to introduce yourself? I had no idea someone else lived here, too, besides me! Is it some kind of weird habit out here that people don’t come to introduce themselves?”

The other shifted again.

“I don’t-… Whenever I can, I tend to avoid others. With my face… I don’t like people seeing me.”

Sanghyuk suddenly felt sheepish.

“Ah-… I’m sorry. Of course, I didn’t think about that. I guess you are excused, then.”

The other chuckled lightly, and Sanghyuk swore his heart stopped for the fraction of a second at the sound.

“That sounds terribly like a ‘ _you_ are, but someone else is not!’…” He prompted, and Sanghyuk huffed.

“You are very perceptive… Do you know Lord Hakyeon?”

Silence answered him for a moment before the other answered.

“Of course… It’s his house.”

“Right, that’s true. So that means you’ve met him?”

Again, a moment of silence.

“Yes, you can say that.”

Sanghyuk didn’t focus on the strange wording.

“See, there you are a good step ahead of me, because even though I arrived over a week ago, I haven’t seen hide nor hair of him. Not even a greeting when I arrived. Only excuses brought to me via the butler why he isn’t able to meet me at any given occasion.”

Once again, the man stayed silent for a moment longer, thinking his words through before he answered Sanghyuk.

“That really bothers you, huh?”

Sanghyuk huffed.

“Of course it does! I mean, I live in his household now, and not even so much as a tiny welcome… How am I supposed to feel about that? And what’s more… He’s the one supposed to decide who I am going to marry one day, and… It’s not really reassuring when you don’t even get to know the person who’s going to decide about your whole future, don’t even know if they care at all…!”

Sanghyuk vented, not knowing or caring why he trusted a complete stranger with his most private thoughts and feelings.

“Hmm, I guess you are right to be mad at him…”

Sanghyuk sighed, deflating a little.

“I mean, I know I’m a nuisance and such, and I don’t expect him to keep me company all day or entertain me in some way. I definitely don’t expect him to like me, but… It would be nice if he at least acknowledged my existence and showed the least bit of interest in me as a person, even if just to know what might be of importance when choosing my future spouse…”

“I don’t think he sees you as a nuisance, Lord Sanghyuk. And I’m sure he has a good reason not to meet you just yet.” The other answered after a moment, and Sanghyuk huffed.

“You sound just like Hongbin. He won’t let a single doubt about Lord Hakyeon stand unfought, either.”

“Hongbin is way too kind…”

Sanghyuk sat up at that, almost forgetting his promise not to turn around to look at the man.

“You know Hongbin?!”

A hum answered him.

“I’ve known Hongbin for all of his life.”

“So you grew up here, too?”

“Yes.”

“So Hongbin knows you, too. And about your…uhm, your…” Sanghyuk didn’t know a tactful way to word his question.

“My face?”

Sanghyuk sighed in relief when the other completed his question for him.

“Yes.”

Silence answered him again.

“He found out recently. But I’d rather you didn’t ask him about me or my… problem. I’d rather if you asked me anything about myself personally, should you be interested.”

Sanghyuk gaped and stuttered at that, blushing in embarrassment.

“O-of course! I didn’t-… I wasn’t-… I didn’t mean to- Where would I find you if I wanted to talk to you?”

He could hear the other’s smile as he answered.

“I spend a lot of time out here in the gardens… Mostly in the hidden parts. If you want to come find me, just call for me and I’ll probably hear you and come over.”

Sanghyuk’s mood lifted significantly at the prospect of having found someone to talk to in this bleak castle.

“I will- Wait! I don’t even know your name!”

The other chuckled again, and once again Sanghyuk’s heart leapt in his chest.

“You can call me N.”

“N?”

“Yes, just N.”

“What kind of parent names their child ‘N’?” Sanghyuk was genuinely confused, but the question earned him an elbow to the ribs.

“‘N’ isn’t my given name, dumb! It’s the name I’d rather have you call me instead of it!”

Sanghyuk jumped at the playful contact, forcing himself to remember not to turn around and look at the other as he reached behind himself to retaliate with a hesitant poke to the other’s ribs.

“Fine then, N!”

The elbow returned.

“That’s N-hyung for you!”

Sanghyuk huffed, trying to avoid the attacks he couldn’t see coming.

“Alright, alright, N-hyung!”

They were interrupted by the bell ringing to signal dinner was served, and sobered up.

“Are you going inside to eat?” Sanghyuk asked tentatively, but the other shook his head.

“I’m going inside, but I’m going to meet up with someone first. I can’t join you for dinner.”

“Oh…”

“If you don’t mind, I’ll go on ahead. Please don’t forget about your promise not to look at my face, and don’t question Hongbin about me.”

Sanghyuk nodded, not knowing if the other saw the gesture as he got up from the bench and voicing it for good measure.

“I promise. Will you be out here again tomorrow?”

“Probably… Will you come find me?”

Sanghyuk grinned.

“Probably.”

Again, the heart-stopping chuckle.

“I’ll wait for you, then. It was nice meeting you, Sanghyuk!”


	4. Chapter 4

For once, it didn’t bother Sanghyuk that Jaehwan was already waiting for him with an apologetic face before dinner, ready to excuse his Lord.

“It’s ok, Jaehwan. I assume Lord Hakyeon isn’t going to join me for any meal any time soon. You can stop excusing him.”

Jaehwan took a moment too long to school his expression of shock into a neutral one as Sanghyuk passed him, taking his seat in the half lit dining room.

For once, it didn’t bother him that he was eating alone, either. He had his conversation with N to look back at, and tomorrow to look forward to, and he ate with good appetite for the first time since he’d arrived at the castle.

That night, Sanghyuk slept through until the morning sun had already risen, no nightly crying waking him.

“You are in a good mood today…” Hongbin observed as he brought Sanghyuk’s clothes for the day out of the dressing room.

“I am indeed.” Sanghyuk smiled at him in response, and Hongbin lifted an eyebrow.

“Care to join me for breakfast, or nah?”

Hongbin’s other eyebrow rose as well. It had been a while since Sanghyuk had asked him to join him for any meal.

“Uh… Err, sure…”

“You don’t have to, you know. I would completely understand it if you’d prefer to eat with your friends instead.”

Hongbin blushed slightly.

“I do like to eat together with my friends, but if I can be completely honest, I missed eating with you, too. So you’re no longer mad at me?”

Sanghyuk sighed.

“Oh, Hongbin… I haven’t been mad at you since that time we talked over breakfast, last week.”

Hongbin didn’t answer verbally, but Sanghyuk understood the look anyway.

“I know I’ve been distant, but I didn’t mean to make you feel as if I was mad at you. That was wrong of me.”

Hongbin’s face lit up a little as he watched Sanghyuk finish getting dressed, looking forward to eating breakfast together with him. Once they were seated and Hongbin had brought out the food for both of them (he wasn’t going to let the other servants serve him), though, he couldn’t keep his curiosity hidden any longer.

“Lord… Sanghyuk-ah… What made you invite me to eat with you all of a sudden?”

Sanghyuk smiled over the food he was about to stuff into his mouth.

“I’m tired of eating on my own. Also, I missed you. And I want to know what you’ve been up to all these days.”

Hongbin’s brow knitted in confusion, but he smoothed it out quickly.

“Well, the usual… Keeping your room tidy, everything you need stocked and in place…”

He interrupted himself when he saw Sanghyuk’s ‘not what I meant’-look, clearing his throat.

“Uhm, and helping out around the rest of the house. There’s always plenty to do, and it’s nice to do it together with friends. You know, we have years of gossip and chats to catch up on…”

Sanghyuk chuckled.

“I shudder at the kind of gossip you have to spread about your moody Lord…”

Hongbin shook his head playfully, lowering his chopsticks.

“Aish, _Lord_ Sanghyuk… So full of yourself! As if I didn’t have better things to gossip about! Like the boobs of that new cook you hired just before we left… So sad I didn’t get to know her better…”

Sanghyuk almost spit out the juice he was drinking as laughter overcame him.

“Oh, Hongbin! You don’t even _like_ boobs!”

Hongbin’s jaw dropped as he blushed profusely, stuttering his answer.

“Wha-Y-yah, t-that’s not- That’s not even true!”

Sanghyuk’s eyes twinkled with mischief.

“Isn’t it? And here I thought you were more interested in a certain young servant with slightly droopy eyes and ash-grey hair… Tell me, how does he dye it? Does the colour come off when you run your hands through it?”

“It doesn’t- ah, damn…” Hongbin shook his head, hanging it low to hide the blush covering his face while Sanghyuk laughed out loud at his servant tapping into his trap.

When he took too long to recompose himself, Hongbin decided to throw his balled up napkin at him, though.

“Stop it already!”

Sanghyuk stopped laughing but still chuckled.

“Something tells me you are too busy being the subject of the gossip to gossip too much yourself, huh?”

Hongbin rolled his eyes at him, but he couldn’t keep a small smile off his lips. He’d missed bantering like that with Sanghyuk.

“Yes, yes, just laugh at me…”

Sanghyuk eventually stopped, returning to his food, but after a while he noticed Hongbin’s uncomfortable shifting and looked up from his plate again.

“What?” He prompted, and Hongbin froze, avoiding his gaze.

“You don’t… Do you mind? Me and… and Wonshik, I mean…”

Sanghyuk’s eyes widened at the ridiculous question, but he was quick to shake his head.

“No, of course not! Why would I mind? It’s your life!”

The servant slowly expelled a sigh of relief, and Sanghyuk narrowed his eyes at him.

“You didn’t honestly think I’d forbid you to pursue a relationship… if it is a relationship, I mean. Or that I’d forbid you to have whatever consensual adult fun you decide to have with someone else. Did you?”

Hongbin shrugged, picking at his food.

“Some masters do. I didn’t think you would, but I needed to make sure.”

Sanghyuk huffed playfully.

“ _After_ already engaging in it?”

Hongbin paled.

“Wha- How-?”

Sanghyuk rolled his eyes.

“I saw you, the other night. I-“ He interrupted himself quickly, not wanting to admit that he’d caught them making out in an empty room when he’d been following the sound of N’s crying one night. “I’d forgotten something in the library one night and saw you two on the way back.”

Hongbin spluttered, grappling for an answer, but Sanghyuk saved him.

“I don’t mind. I didn’t think it necessary for you to ask for my permission, anyway, but since you asked, yes, you have it.”

Hongbin bought time to compose himself while sipping on his juice before setting the glass down and meeting Sanghyuk’s eyes, much calmer now.

“Thank you.”

Sanghyuk inclined his head, then felt the need for a question of his own.

“Does Lord Hakyeon allow it?  For you two…?”

Hongbin sat up straighter at that, nodding quickly before swallowing the bite he’d been chewing.

“Yes, yes, he does. He doesn’t mind, either. We’re just not allowed to break each other’s heart, is what he said.”

Sanghyuk nodded slowly.

“That’s a reasonable request. I should second that.”

The look Hongbin gave him was outright comical, and Sanghyuk threw the balled up napkin Hongbin had thrown earlier back at him.

“Stop looking like that. Just because I’m mad at the guy for ignoring my existence under his roof doesn’t mean I can’t agree with him from time to time.”

Hongbin recomposed himself when the napkin hit his face and shot a glare at Sanghyuk. Like that, they finished breakfast, and while Hongbin insisted to clear the table by himself instead of asking for help, Sanghyuk announced he’d go outside and wished Hongbin a good day. Not without a wink, though, which warranted him an eye-roll from Hongbin.

***

Sanghyuk couldn’t wait to venture into the gardens to find N again, but he searched in vain the whole morning. After lunch, though, he got lucky. He was just reaching the clearing with the unicorn as he called out once again.

“N-hyung?!”

“Sanghyuk-ah!”

A face splitting smile illuminated Sanghyuk’s features as he stopped in his tracks.

“N-hyung! Where are you?”

“Close! Wait for me next to the unicorn, I’ll be there in a second!”

Sanghyuk didn’t have to be told twice, darting forward into the clearing and only stopping right next to the marble rendition of the mythological equid, awaiting the other’s arrival eagerly.

He happened to watch the wrong three paths to spot N’s arrival, not seeing how the older arrived behind him, peeking carefully through the leaves of the last bush and breathing a sigh of relief.

“I’m here, Sanghyuk…” he announced, ready to jump back behind the bushes should Sanghyuk turn around.

He didn’t though. He almost turned, but froze instead, remembering the hyung’s reluctance to let him see his face and wondering if it was alright for him to see him now.

“Hyung… Can I turn around?” He asked tentatively, and missed the little relieved smile on N’s face.

“Thank you for remembering. Shall we go back to the same clearing as yesterday?”

Sanghyuk shrugged; he’d be happy with whatever N suggested.

“Anywhere is fine.”

N turned his back at him.

“Then come.”

Sanghyuk whirled around, quickly catching up to N as he followed him, but keeping a respectful distance to honour the older’s wish not to reveal his face to him. He didn’t mind, though, as there was plenty else to marvel about N, Sanghyuk found.

The man was pretty tall; not quite as tall as Sanghyuk, but still above the average height. He was of slim build, but he didn’t look weak at all. Sanghyuk was pretty sure if he chose to he could throw him across a room if need be.

Instead of the fine clothing he’d been wearing the day before when Sanghyuk met him, he was only wearing a white linen shirt today, sleeves pushed up to his elbows and, despite slightly dirty, making a beautiful contrast with the dark honey coloured skin of his toned forearms. A pair of worn dark brow breeches hugged his long legs, accentuating the delicate but strong muscles flexing underneath the fabric as he moved along the path with all the grace of a dancer.

Sanghyuk found his heart beating faster as he watched the older’s movements, never suspecting anyone could make something as simple as walking seem so fascinating to him.

All too soon, N reached the clearing, sitting on the same stone bench as the day before, before patting the spot next to him.

“Come sit!” He invited, keeping his face averted from Sanghyuk, and just like the day before, Sanghyuk sat facing away from him.

“I’ve been looking for you all morning but couldn’t find you…” Sanghyuk remarked, trying not to let his voice sound accusing, but not quite managing to keep the disappointment out of it.

“Ah~ I only expected you to come out here after lunch… I was busy tending to the flower beds behind the stables and completely forgot the time over it…”

Sanghyuk’s eyes widened at that.

“ _You_ tend to the garden? All of it?!”

He could feel the other shake his head behind him.

“No, not all of it. Just the flower beds and small bushes. I’m not allowed to cut the hedges or trim the big bushes; I think the gardener is afraid to lose his job if I did that, too.” Sanghyuk could hear a small smile in the others voice that warmed his heart just enough for him to feel it.

“Whow…” He marveled, recalling all the opulently blooming flowers all over the garden, the neatly kept beds and cute little bushes separating them and lining the sandy paths winding between them. “You must really spend a lot of time out here…”

The other shrugged.

“I do. Flowers don’t judge, so I prefer them over people.”

Sanghyuk couldn’t miss the sudden sadness that had replaced the small smile of before in N’s voice.

“People are mean and tend to forget their words can be more hurtful than they think. It’s not like it’s your fault how you look! Nor is it anyone else’s business!”

Behind him and out of his sight, N closed his eyes after a pain-filled look flashed in them at Sanghyuk’s words.

“Let’s not talk about things like that; I don’t want to think about it when I don’t have to. If it’s alright with you, let’s talk about you!”

Sanghyuk could understand the other’s wish, and was happy to drop the subject. He wasn’t sure yet if he was happy with the new subject his hyung chose, though.

“About me?”

“Yes, about you! I want to get to know you. All I know about you is what I remember from the old Lord’s tales, but all of that always sounded so clinical and contractual, official. I want to get to know the real you. If you don’t mind.”

Sanghyuk thought about it for a bit.

“Hm… I don’t think there is much to say about me… The only thing worth mentioning is probably that I’m an omega, but that’s pretty obvious even without needing mentioning…” Sanghyuk mused, but the other interrupted him.

“That’s just your status, not what defines you as a person. See, I could say about myself that I’m cursed with this face and that’s it, but that doesn’t say it all about me, does it? Same with you being omega; that says nothing about whether you are a kind person or not; or if you prefer rain or sunshine; or if you like to read, or have a creative streak.”

Sanghyuk’s jaw dropped, emotions welling up in him. He couldn’t believe someone was actually the least bit interested in him as a person, not as a collectible or boy-toy.

N gave him time to collect himself, sensing that the younger needed a moment to wrap his head around what he was asking.

“I don’t… I don’t know what would be of interest about me…” Sanghyuk eventually confessed, suddenly feeling small, and startled a bit when N nudged his shoulder with his own gently.

“Hum… Tell me which flower you’ve found in the garden so far you liked best.”

Sanghyuk’s eyes widened, not understanding why someone would be interested in that.

“I… I don’t know. They are all nice. Maybe… the blue ones?”

N couldn’t stifle a chuckle.

“Which blue ones? There are plenty.”

Sanghyuk scratched the back of his neck awkwardly.

“The… the ones in the clearing of the Neptune-fountain by the east wing.”

N inclined his head in thought, trying to recall which flowers grew there.

“There are no blue flowers there… Or do you mean lavender? But those aren’t blue, they are purple.”

Sanghyuk rolled his eyes, slightly embarrassed.

“So? Isn’t that the same thing? I didn’t like them for their colour, but because they smell nice, anyway!”

“Oh, you liked their smell? Wait, I know another flower you might like if you liked that one! Come with me, I’ll show you!”

N sounded excited suddenly, jumping up from the bench and taking Sanghyuk’s hand in his when he didn’t follow immediately.

The touch went through Sanghyuk like a lightning bolt; he wasn’t used to anyone touching him, except for the occasional accidental brush from Hongbin when he helped him with a tight jacket or something. The playful elbowing the day before had been the most bodily contact he’d had in years, and everything that went beyond that was a completely foreign sensation for him; even more so bare skin-to-skin contact.

N didn’t seem to notice, though, as Sanghyuk stumbled after him, still trying to recollect his senses and not focusing all of them on the feeling of N’s fingers circling his wrist and brushing against his palm. His heart throbbed wildly at the sensation, but he couldn’t say he disliked it entirely; in fact, when N let go as they reached their destination to pick up one of the flowers blooming on a small bush in a corner of the clearing, Sanghyuk found himself wishing he didn’t, hoping he’d pick up his hand again as soon as possible.

Of course, Sanghyuk didn’t get that lucky, but he knew to take an opportunity when he saw one; and when N stretched out his hand behind him, offering him the flower he’d picked, Sanghyuk’s fingers not so accidentally brushed against N’s delicate ones as he took it, marveling at how soft they were yet how strong they appeared.

Remembering the reason why N had picked the flower for him a tad too late, Sanghyuk finally lifted it to his face to smell it. His eyes widened, unsure if he recognized the smell, but definitely liking it.

“And?” N asked expectantly, and Sanghyuk lifted his head, nodding.

“It’s nice; I like it.”

“It’s rosemary. It’s really hard to grow out here, and even harder because Taekwoon keeps stealing parts from it to season the food he cooks. I have to plant it hidden in corners all over the gardens to keep at least some bushes alive every year; on the other hand, I can’t deny I love what he makes with it. Ah, what should I do, Sanghyukie?!”

Sanghyuk chuckled at the theatrical way N described his dilemma, taking in the aromatic scent of the tiny flowers hidden between hard leaves in his hand.

“Plant enough bushes for him to use where he sees them without having to search, and I’m sure he’ll leave the others that you hid throughout the rest of the garden alone.”

“Oooh, that’s a good idea! Let’s do that! Right now! Will you help me?”

Sanghyuk was taken aback by the request; he’d never before dirtied his hands with a work like gardening before, taking it for granted that it was the gardener’s job and he had no business with it. But when N suddenly hugged him from behind, cooing an incredibly sweet “Pleeease!” into his ear, he couldn’t say no.

Whether it was the shock of feeling someone, anyone, hold him, or of feeling specifically N this close, or if it was the sweetness of N’s plea that convinced him, he would never know. What he did know was that he would never have expected to have as much fun as he ended up having as he dug in the dirt with N, filling rows of pots with the rich black soil before planting tiny little versions of the bush N had showed him on the clearing in them. Even more fun was finding places to hide them from the cook in the greenhouses, making sure they would get enough light to grow but still be hidden enough not to be found by those not supposed to find them.

When the bell rang, calling them in for dinner, Sanghyuk’s expensive clothes were dirty enough to have him pale as he looked down at himself. N chuckled behind his back as Sanghyuk whispered a terrified “Hongbin is going to kill me!”.

“Maybe you should get yourself some clothes specifically for gardening; that is, uhm, if you… if you want to do that again…”

Sanghyuk almost turned around to look at N at how small and unsure his voice had become at the end of his sentence, catching himself at the very last second.

“Hyung! Of course I’d like to do that again! If you’re willing to put up with my clumsiness again, that is!”

He could see N step away from him and turning around out of the corner of his eyes.

“You do?” He asked tentatively, disbelief in his voice, and Sanghyuk nodded frantically.

“Yes, hyung! I had the most fun I’ve had in a while with you today! I definitely want to!”

He could hear N take a deep breath before he answered.

“Then I’ll put up with all the clumsiness you have to offer and do my best to show you. Go on inside, now, though. Dinner will get cold if you don’t.”

There was a choked quality to N’s words, but he said them with a finality that kept Sanghyuk from stalling any longer, and he did as he said.


	5. Chapter 5

Two weeks passed, and soon it was nearing a month that Sanghyuk was already staying at Lord Hakyeon’s castle, but he still hadn’t seen the Lord. He’d heard him, once, when he’d been talking to another neighbor about something relating to the maintenance of a bridge that crossed a ditch separating their lands from behind the closed doors of Lord Hakyeon’s study on a rainy morning, but he didn’t pay it much mind as he’d been on the way down to the dining room for lunch.

He’d half hoped Lord Hakyeon would invite his guest to stay for lunch and they’d join him in the dining room, but he’d been left to finish his meal alone. He hadn’t minded much, though, since N had promised to show him where the red stable cat had her nest with a litter of five little kittens that were just opening their eyes, and he hoped the promise still stood even though it had been raining all morning.

Now that it was dawning on him that he’d been there for almost a month, though, and he’d yet to talk to the Lord even once, not even the prospect of meeting N in the afternoon managed to lift his mood just yet. The otherwise delicious meal in front of him lost taste as he thought about his dire looking future, tracing idle patterns into the dust on the table outside of his usual reach.

He’d asked N if he knew why there was dust littering so many rooms, making them look unused, and he’d explained that they actually were unused. Ever since the old Lord had died, the household had been too small to warrant using the big rooms meant for lots of people anymore, and since guests never stayed long, anyway, the servants and maids had been told they could leave the unused rooms alone. A rough down-dusting once a month would be enough. Over the years, once a month had turned to every other month, then to thrice a year, eventually to once a year, and now no one knew for sure when the last time some rooms had been cleaned was.

When Sanghyuk had asked if Lord Hakyeon didn’t mind all the dirt, N had simply answered that no one minded; but that if Sanghyuk minded the dirt somewhere where he wanted to spend his time, he could just tell someone to clean it up and it would be done.

For some reason, Sanghyuk didn’t feel the need to have any space cleaned for him. Hongbin kept his chambers clean, and the little room he used in the rest of the house, like in the dining room and breakfast salon, was kept clean enough, too. Other than that, he spent most of his time in the garden, anyway, and to keep that one clean was N’s duty; or N’s and his, as of lately.

Sanghyuk sighed… Oh, N-hyung… If it wasn’t for him, he was sure he’d have lost his mind already here. If not for him, he would have had to spend all of these days all by himself, and that was never good for him.

But besides keeping him company, there was so much more he appreciated about N! Like how he never treated him as an omega. He neither put him on a pedestal, nor did he treat him as inferior. He showed genuine interest in him as a person, listened to him and the stories he had to tell, told him his own stories in return, laughed with him, teased him, comforted him, let him comfort him in return. It didn’t even matter to Sanghyuk at all that he’d still never seen his face.

He didn’t need to see N’s face, for his very presence, or even just a thought of him, was enough to make Sanghyuk’s heart flutter, his knees to go slightly weak and a healthy blush to tinge his cheeks. He’d prefer N’s voice over any music ever played, his soft chuckles over any love poem, the sound of a smile in his voice over sunshine itself.

The best part, though, had to be his hugs. It’d taken Sanghyuk almost the entire first week to get used to N’s arms snaking around him from behind, crossing in front of his stomach, his chin resting on his shoulder or face pressing against his back. But once he’d gotten used to them, it was a seamless transition to becoming addicted to his hugs. He craved the feeling of his heart beating against his back, the sound of his quiet breath so close to his ears, his soft hair tickling his neck, the warmth he radiated enveloping him all over, no matter how cold or windy the day was.

Even now, as worry appeared to be everything his entire being was made of, he was almost sure that it wouldn’t take more than a hug from N for all of his concerns and fears to vanish, at least for the time being. And oh, how he needed that hug now!

He’d forced himself to eat enough despite having no appetite whatsoever, but as soon as he was sure the amount he’d eaten was definitely enough, he headed up to his chambers to change into his gardening clothes. To be fair, almost half of his wardrobe had been deemed gardening clothes by now, much to Hongbin’s dismay.

Hongbin couldn’t stand seeing his torn and dirtied clothes, once pristine and of the most expensive fabric money could buy, and after a heated debate they had come to the consensus that Hongbin wouldn’t help Sanghyuk when he changed into the gardening clothes; or ‘ratty rags’, as Hongbin called them. The consensus had been forced, too, with Sanghyuk being the obvious loser after Hongbin threatened to quit with Sanghyuk and move to find a job on the other side of the country if Sanghyuk dared to make him touch said rags for anything else other than to throw them away.

That was how Sanghyuk ended up buttoning rows of buttons he deemed quite superfluous on his own and wrestling with boots that were never meant to be put on alone. Despite everything, he was getting faster at those tasks with every day that passed, though; after all, getting changed quickly meant more time he could spend with N in the gardens.

Tugging his jacket into place with finality, Sanghyuk deemed himself appropriately dressed enough and finally made his way out of the room. Fast enough to reach his destination quickly, slow enough not to lose his dignity and stumble or fall at any occasion, and quietly enough to hide his approach in case he needed to backtrack quickly.

That was how he caught the hushed spoken words from behind the service door in a nook at the top of the stairs, most likely not left open on purpose as the subjects behind it certainly didn’t mean for anyone to overhear their conversation.

“I’m really worried about Hakyeon, Bin…”

Sanghyuk froze mid-step. He recognized the voice of Lord Hakyeon’s personal servant and Hongbin’s lover, Wonshik, quite well by now, and he couldn’t help but wonder what the two lovebirds could have to discuss about the reason for his growing stomach ulcer.

He pressed his back against the wall, in the shadows beside the nook, and listened closely; maybe Hongbin was right and he did have a good reason why he’d been ignoring Sanghyuk for almost a month now. Sanghyuk even hoped he had a good reason, and that he could forgive him for his behavior based on it; either way, though, he needed to know the reason to be able to make up his mind about it!

“You see, ever since… since that day, it’s been almost impossible for him to fall asleep at night. For years, he’s been sleeping about three hours a night, if even that much. Then all of a sudden, two weeks ago, he went to bed before it was even midnight, fell asleep, and slept through the whole night! And he’s been doing that every night since then, the whole two weeks! I even caught him smiling once, Hongbin! Smiling!

“And then last night…

“He didn’t sleep at all. He just kept staring out of the window, but I doubt he was even seeing anything, and not just because it was dark. It was as if he wasn’t there, he was just staring outside and crying silently. He looked so broken! I’ve never seen him so broken… It was so heartbreaking, I found myself almost wishing he’d just sob out loud like he used to; at least that I know how to deal with…

“I fell asleep at some point, but I don’t think it was for long. I woke up again before the sun rose, but he was still sitting there, crying silently… And I couldn’t do anything. Bin, you have no idea how bad it was; it was worse even than the night after his father died… I-… I don’t know what to do… I don’t think… Another night like that… Bin, I can’t… I can’t.”

Rustling could be heard from the space behind the door, and Sanghyuk assumed Hongbin was hugging the other man close as he’d started to cry at the end of his little discourse.

Sanghyuk felt terrible. He might not know the Lord and not have the warmest feelings for him, but he wouldn’t wish such soul-wrenching pain like what Wonshik had just described on anyone. Carefully, he resumed his way and put some distance between the door and himself.

He shouldn’t have eavesdropped, he scolded himself. That was what he got for it. He swallowed as he quickly rushed to the back of the castle, towards the garden salon. He couldn’t really expect the Lord to care about his worries when he had something so obviously pressing to deal with in his own life. He’d have to accept that his needs would have to come second to Lord Hakyeon until he sorted whatever it was that was troubling him so much.

He didn’t know what Wonshik had meant with ‘that day’, but the way he’d talked it seemed to have been quite a while ago. And if the Lord hadn’t managed to solve his problem ever since that time… He would probably have to content himself with the fact that he could very well have to wait for quite a while, too.

Sanghyuk grimaced, not liking that idea, at all. But there was nothing he could do about it, and he wasn’t brat enough to throw a tantrum over it.

Sighing, he hurried outside to find N. He really needed N now, and one of his hugs. With sure steps, he headed towards the area of the garden they’d been working on the day before, sure that was where he’d find N.

“Sanghyuk!”

He froze again, not turning around as he heard N call for him from behind way before reaching where he’d expected to find him, instead waiting for him to catch up.

The older sounded slightly out of breath as he reached him, and much to Sanghyuk’s disappointment, didn’t hug him straight away, merely taking his hand in his.

“Sanghyukie… Do you absolutely want to work in the garden today?” He asked once he’d caught his breath somewhat, surprising Sanghyuk.

“Huh? Ah~ Maybe… I don’t know. Why? You don’t?”

He couldn’t see it, but he felt how N shook his head behind him.

“Not really. I… Can we just… be, today? Without doing anything specific. I just…” He broke off, sighing deeply, and worry creased Sanghyuk’s brow.

“Hyung… Are you alright?”

Again, he felt the other shake his head, and his heart felt like it dropped out of his chest.

“Hy-hyung… Did you… Not sleep again last night?”

N had told him recently, after he’d asked carefully around it, that he had days when he just felt so terrible since the thing with his face happened that he couldn’t help but cry all night until exhaustion finally let him sleep, like during those first days Sanghyuk had stayed at the castle. He’d reassured Sanghyuk that he hadn’t had one of those nights in a while, though, and the hug that had followed had felt as if he’d wanted to add ‘because I have you now’ to Sanghyuk.

He was sure his heart cracked, at least, though, when he felt N nod hesitantly now.

Closing his eyes tightly, Sanghyuk turned around before N could react and pulled the older into a hug. N tensed terribly for a moment, but after noticing that Sanghyuk was hugging him tightly, with his eyes firmly shut, he relaxed somewhat in his arms. It was the first time Sanghyuk hugged him, and not the other way around. His arms were hesitant before they came around the younger, but once in place, he held on tightly.

“Oh, hyung… Please tell me you had someone with you to at least hold you or something.”

N shook his head minutely.

“I told you I don’t like when anyone sees me like that…”

Sanghyuk only held him tighter, and idea occurring to him.

“And if they didn’t see you? If they just held you, just being there for you, until you felt better?”

N shifted in the tight embrace, but Sanghyuk only loosened his hold a little.

“Sanghyuk-ah… What are you saying?” the older whispered, unsure, and Sanghyuk took a deep breath.

“I’m saying… Hyung, I don’t look at you anyway… So… When everything gets too much… I could be the one holding you. Just be there for you, so you don’t have to be alone…”

N’s hold on Sanghyuk increased what felt like tenfold, the older hiding his face between his shoulder and neck as a hot tear hit Sanghyuk’s skin.

“Hyung?”

“Oh, Hyukkie… You don’t… You shouldn’t. You can’t stay awake all night just to hold me when I fall apart…”

Sanghyuk made and effort to wrap himself even further around N, one hand coming up to soothingly play with the hair at the nape of his neck, while the other kept circling his back.

“If you can stay up all night, so can I. And if I help you pick up the pieces after you fall apart, both of us will get to sleep way sooner than if you have to do it alone…”

Gradually, N relaxed again in Sanghyuk’s hold, shaking his head against his shoulder.

“I’ll think about it, alright? But I don’t know if I can, I can’t promise anything…”

Sanghyuk nodded lightly in understanding.

“It’s alright, hyung. You don’t need to promise anything. I want to do this for you if you can accept it; but it’s for you, not for me.”

It took a while after that before they broke their embrace and N quietly led Sanghyuk to the small clearing with the lone bench they’d first met in. It had become a thing for them, when they weren’t busy working somewhere in the garden, to just retreat to that small alcove, separated from the rest of the world. They’d sit with their backs leaning against each other, sometimes with their heads leaning on each other, too, talking, or reading, or dozing, or just relishing in the other’s presence.

Today was no different there, except the mood was more somber than usually. It was Sanghyuk again who broke the silence first.

“Hyung… You said you’d been able to sleep so well lately… What changed?”

He could feel N’s back stiffen against his own, but he didn’t pull away. He didn’t answer immediately, either, and when he did, his voice was so faint Sanghyuk barely heard it.

“I remembered, all of a sudden, that there is something I need to do… Something I’ve had to do a lot of times before, and it never ended well. And I knew every time that it wouldn’t end well. But I can’t avoid having to do it anyway. But this time… It’s different. I don’t know if it’ll end well or not. That alone is terrifying, because I don’t know what to expect. But if it doesn’t end well… All the times before, it hurt. Badly. But this time, if it ends as bad as any of the times before… I think it would kill me…” The last six words were barely above a whisper, but N might as well have shouted them at Sanghyuk, they rang so loud in his ears.

It felt like a hand of ice was slowly closing its fingers around Sanghyuk’s heart while the words echoed in his head.

“Then don’t do it, hyung… Please.”

The older swallowed, hard.

“I have to, Sanghyuk… I’ve been pushing it off for too long already. I should never… I should never have pushed it off for this long, never… never done what I did in the meantime. I… I might as well have been digging my own grave, but it’s done now, and pushing it off any longer will just make it worse… I think.”

It was Sanghyuk’s turn to swallow, and he wanted nothing more than to turn around and pull N into his arms again.

“Hyung… What is it you have to do? What could be so important… that you can’t back out of it, even when you know how badly it will hurt, or even that it could kill you?”

N pushed back against Sanghyuk’s back, their signal that he was going to sit up and the other would have to support his own weight, and then sat up, scooting away from Sanghyuk afterwards.

“I can’t tell you that… I can’t even tell you when I’ll do it. I’m sorry… I’ll just… I’ll just have to do it, and you’ll know when it’s done.”

Sanghyuk took a deep breath, releasing it slowly afterwards, trying to fight down the rising fear for what it was N had to do.

“Hyung… I found you last time after you had to do the thing that went wrong, right? I’ll find you again, I promise. I’ll be there for you.”

Sanghyuk was startled when the response to his promise was a hacked breath followed by a choked sob, N curling in on himself afterwards as he scooted further away from Sanghyuk, clutching his chest as if a knife had just been driven through it.

“Hyung! What’s wrong?!” Sanghyuk jumped up, panicked. He didn’t know if he should keep averting his eyes or if it was an emergency situation that warranted him breaking the promise not to look in favour of helping N.

N shook his head though, almost frantically so as he started rocking back and forth, fighting to control his breathing.

“D-don’t, Sang-Sanghyuk. P-please. Don’t. Don’t p-p-promise t-that.”

Sanghyuk could honestly say he’d never been that confused and unsure in his life.

“But, hyung…” He started, but N shook his head.

“Don’t… You might… You can’t… You don’t know if you can do that. You can’t know. So don’t promise it.”

Despite the forlorn words, N seemed a little calmer, and Sanghyuk sat down next to him, placing an arm around him.

“Can I promise I’ll try, at least?”

N didn’t answer immediately.

“If you want to. But… Just know, that… If you can’t keep the promise… I won’t be mad at you. I won’t blame you. Alright?”

Sanghyuk shivered uncomfortably, and he scooted closer to N.

“Hyung, you’re scaring me…”

N shook his head slowly, lifting it just a bit, and Sanghyuk closed his eyes, giving him the time to look up and turn away from him to hide his face. Instead, though, he felt N’s arms around him, pulling him close.

“I’m sorry, Sanghyuk-ah. I didn’t mean to. I’m scared, too, but I didn’t mean to scare you.” He held Sanghyuk close for a long time, but Sanghyuk didn’t mind.

It was getting late when he finally let go, and neither was sure if they’d heard the bells ringing for dinner or not. They walked hand in hand towards the house, but before parting ways where they usually did, N couldn’t help but pull Sanghyuk into a hug again before letting go definitely.

***

Sanghyuk didn’t sleep well that night. At first he couldn’t even find sleep, and when he did, he kept waking up all the time, the most minuscule sounds enough to rouse him. It was how he heard the faint knock on his door, unsure and tentative, as if hoping not to even be heard.

He was wide awake in an instant, running to open the door. He jumped in fright, though, when he found a masked figure in the hallway behind it. Well, not masked, but wrapped in a long cloak with a large hood obscuring their features.

“Sanghyuk-ah~ It’s me…” A tiny voice came from the darkness underneath the fabric, and Sanghyuk relaxed instantly.

“Hyung! Oh, you scared me! Come in, come in!” He ushered him inside, closing the door behind him quietly and instantly rushing to light a lamp, but N stopped him.

“Don’t, please… I don’t… You promised not to look at me like this…”

Sanghyuk immediately dropped the flint stones, stepping closer to N and enveloping him in a reassuring hug.

“Of course, of course, I’m sorry… I don’t know how to work the damned stones, anyway… Can you see enough? Let’s go to the room over, it’s warmer there, and Hongbin won’t wake up as easily…”

He took the older’s hand in his own, leading the way through the dark room carefully. There was but a slight red hue coming from the dying embers in the fire-place in Sanghyuk’s bedroom, but they still kept the place pleasantly warm.

N shivered anyway, and Sanghyuk was quick to wrap his arms around him again as they sat on the futon closest to the fire, with N leaning heavily against him.

“You weren’t sleeping, either, huh?” The older asked quietly, and Sanghyuk shrugged.

“I tried. But I kept waking up for all reasons and none…”

N sighed.

“I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have worried you like that yesterday…”

In response, Sanghyuk squeezed him tightly once.

“You can always tell me anything that worries you, hyung. Shared worries are halved worries, right?”

N snuggled closer at that, burying his veiled face against Sanghyuk’s chest.

“You don’t deserve half of even half of my worries, Sanghyuk-ah…”

Sanghyuk snorted.

“Then neither do you. But life isn’t about deserving, now is it?”

A wistful sigh answered him, but that was all. They sat in silence for a long time, before N’s breathing evened out. It was such a calming sound then that Sanghyuk couldn’t resist sleep any longer, either. With the warmth of N’s body pressed against his, pushing him into the soft pillows, the gentle beat of his heart synchronizing with his own, his eyelids grew heavier by the minute, and he fell into a deep, dreamless sleep.

He was still sleeping peacefully when Hongbin found him the next morning, though shivering with cold as the warming embers had long crumbled to mere ashes in the fire-place, and N was gone from his arms. The thin cloak he’d been wearing and left draped over Sanghyuk as he’d left did little to warm Sanghyuk, and Hongbin decided to wake him.

“Sanghyuk-ah… Wake up! What are you doing on the futon? Why aren’t you sleeping in your bed? Aish, Lord Sanghyuk! Yah!”

Groggily, Sanghyuk blinked his eyes open.

“N-hyung?” He murmured sleepily, wondering where the older had gone and why he was so cold. It took him a moment to realize he was only covered by his hyung’s cloak and it was Hongbin with him, not N. And Hongbin was staring at him with such a shocked expression the likes of which Sanghyuk had never seen on him.

“What?” He asked, little articulately due to the early morning hour.

“You know him?!” The other asked, shock evident in his voice.

“Who?”

“Lord… N.”

“N-hyung is a Lord, too? He never told me…” Sanghyuk sat up slowly, wrapping the cloak tighter around himself in an attempt to warm up.

“Since when?!” Hongbin continued to ask, paying little mind to Sanghyuk’s sleepy drowsiness.

“What since when?” He yawned, not understanding what Hongbin wanted from him.

“Since when do you know Lord N?”

Sanghyuk shrugged, smiling softly.

“About two weeks. I met him in the garden.”

Hongbin forgot all about his tasks, sitting down at the other end of the futon by Sanghyuk’s feet.

“And you’ve seen him again since then?”

Sanghyuk finally forced himself to wake up fully, focusing on Hongbin’s annoying questions.

“Yes, every day. Why?”

Hongbin’s eyes widened.

“Every day?!”

“That’s what I said.”

“And you’ve… Have you… Uhm, seen… his… ah~”

Sanghyuk sighed exasperatedly.

“Seen his face? No. And no, I don’t want to know what it is he’s hiding from you. If he ever decides to let me see, then fine, but I want it to be him who makes the decision to let me know.”

Hongbin’s jaw dropped, too, giving him an almost ridiculous expression that Sanghyuk commented with an eye-roll and a thrown pillow.

“Stop staring at me like that. What’s the problem with me spending time with N-hyung?”

Hongbin shook his head vehemently.

“None. No, there… There is no problem. I’m just… It’s… surprising. I didn’t think… Anyway, uhm… He was here last night?”

Sanghyuk clutched the cloak that was haphazardly wrapped around his body closer.

“Yes. So what?”

“Nothing… Nothing. I’m just… Surprised. I wouldn’t have expected… But if you haven’t seen his face… Ah, forget it…!”

Sanghyuk huffed, throwing another pillow at the servant.

“What does that mean, ‘if I haven’t seen his face’?! He told me about his face and that he didn’t want people to see it. I respect his wish. But that doesn’t mean that if I saw his face I’d turn my back on him or anything! Seriously, Hongbin, I thought you knew me better than that! I’m not that superficial!”

Hongbin shook his head hastily.

“That’s not- ah… Never mind. I know you’re not superficial. I just… No, never mind.”

Sanghyuk narrowed his eyes at him, but decided to drop the subject.

“Seriously… Anyway, where’s my robe? It’s so _cold_ in here!”

Hongbin hurried to bring him his robe, lighting the fire again afterwards and helping Sanghyuk get dressed. He was absentminded during it all, though, Sanghyuk noticed, a hidden excitement and something akin desperate hope twinkling in his eyes, as if he couldn’t wait to leave and focus on something else, elsewhere.

Sanghyuk didn’t question him. His servant had his own life, his own worries, his own things to do and interests to go after, and Sanghyuk didn’t need to know all about them.


	6. Chapter 6

Sanghyuk was quite surprised to see Hongbin rushing in again when he was just finishing his breakfast, fidgety and obviously nervous.

“Sanghyuk-ah… Are you… Are you done eating yet?”

Sanghyuk finished wiping his mouth, folding the linen napkin neatly next to his empty plate.

“Only just. Why?”

Hongbin shifted his weight from one foot to the other nervously.

“Uhm… Lord Hakyeon… He wants to see you.”

Sanghyuk’s heart plummeted out of his chest, coming to rest somewhere near his ankles.

“Now? Why now?”

Hongbin shrugged.

“I don’t know. All I know is he told me to come get you when you’re ready.”

Sanghyuk got up from his chair slowly, the conversation he’d overheard the day before still fresh in his mind. Why would Lord Hakyeon want to see him now of all times when he was obviously not in the best state himself?

Maybe he wanted to tell him he couldn’t help him after all and send him home again… Sanghyuk’s heart squeezed painfully. That would mean he wouldn’t get to see N again. The pain in his heart grew as that thought settled in, and he must have paled because Hongbin was at his side in an instant.

“Sanghyuk… Are you alright? If you don’t feel well, I’m sure Lord Hakyeon won’t mind seeing you another day…!”

Sanghyuk shook his head though, brushing Hongbin’s hands off gently.

“No, no. It’s alright, I’m fine. I’ll go. Where?”

Hongbin gave him a wary once-over, debating if he should really do it, really lead Sanghyuk to Lord Hakyeon… But his master’s determined look made the decision for him, and so he turned around to lead the way, Sanghyuk following him closely.

Still, Hongbin hesitated in front of the door when they reached their destination, turning to Sanghyuk with a deeply creased brow, concern showing clearly in every detail of his features, and he looked as if he wanted to say something; something important.

When Sanghyuk gave him an expectant look in return, though, the servant shook his head, his shoulders sagging a bit. Hesitantly, he knocked for Sanghyuk, opening the door afterwards.

It was Lord Hakyeon’s study, a room he’d only ever passed but never entered. The room was clean, not a single speck of dust on any surface, but all the curtains but one were drawn shut, covering most of the room in shadows.

Sanghyuk’s heart beat faster when he saw the figure standing a bit further into the room, where the shadows were darkest. Still, the silhouette he saw seemed all too familiar to him, confusing him as he blinked repeatedly.

“N-“ he was interrupted the moment his question was about to leave his lips, the figure turning around and stepping towards him, slowly coming out of the shadows.

“Lord Sanghyuk. I hope you can forgive me my rudeness of waiting this long to introduce myself properly.”

Sanghyuk’s eyes widened as he took in the man’s face. Dark brown hair framed a honey-coloured face that would have been beautiful if-

Sanghyuk gasped as a violent rush of white-hot hatred washed over him, clouding his vision and thoughts and screaming at him.

“Monster! How could you- You monster! I can’t believe I stayed this long under your roof! You tricked me! You are despicable! My skin crawls at your mere presence! You disgust me, treacherous beast! Don’t you ever dare show yourself to me again!”

Without awaiting a response, Sanghyuk twirled around on the spot, darting towards the door and clawing desperately at the handles until he managed to crack it open wide enough to squeeze through and dart away, pushing past Hongbin and running blindly down the hallways without paying attention where he went. Eventually, his knees gave out under him, his lungs and muscles burning from exertion, and he found sand under his hands. He’d ran outside, into the gardens.

It took him a while to catch his breath, and everything hurt when he did. With an enormous effort, he pushed himself up and into one of the hidden clearings, finding shelter in an ivy-covered pergola.

He barely made it onto one of the benches, curling in on himself when he did. His head hurt, throbbing like it never had before. His lungs burned, but it was nothing compared to the ache in his heart. Every beat felt as if it was pumping acid through his arteries, and his very soul felt as if it had been attacked and lacerated by knives.

What hurt the most, though, was his conscience.

How could he have said –no, yelled!- what he did at someone he didn’t even know? At anyone, really? That wasn’t him! He’d never thought himself capable of treating someone else like that. Anyone. Ever. No matter if he hated them or not. And he didn’t have a reason to actually hate Lord Hakyeon, so why? Why had that wave of hatred washed over him, and why had he felt compelled to scream those things at him?!

It wasn’t right. It was all kinds of wrong; everything about it was wrong, and Sanghyuk felt the worst he ever had in his life.

He couldn’t leave it at that. He had to find Lord Hakyeon and apologize to him. And… and to Hongbin.

He gasped as he remembered the time that woman had insulted Lord Hakyeon much the same way Sanghyuk had now, and Hongbin’s reaction to it. He whimpered, clutching at the edge of the bench he lay on now. Hongbin would never forgive him. And he was right. He didn’t deserve forgiveness for that. Still, he had to try, he had to at least make an effort…

Suddenly, despite the pain he was in, body and soul, he felt like he couldn’t just lay there anymore. He had to move, had to-… He closed his eyes as he stumbled out of the shadow of the pergola, taking one more moment to steady himself clutching to the polished bronze of the doorframe.

There was only one thing he needed right now, and that was N. When N found out what he’d done, he would probably be mad, too, and rightly so, but he’d listen, and he’d try to understand and make sense of what Sanghyuk didn’t understand himself.

With a final push, he let go of the doorframe and stumbled out of the clearing, wandering aimlessly through the gardens, calling out for his hyung weakly every now and then. For a moment, he considered asking Hongbin if he’d know where N could be, but then dismissed the idea. He couldn’t talk to Hongbin right now. He was too ashamed, he couldn’t face him. Not now, not before he’d found N. And so he kept stumbling through the gardens, not knowing if his hyung was even there somewhere, but at least it gave him something to do.

Eventually, it started raining. Not a full out heavy rain, but barely more than a heavy mist at first, one that thickened gradually until it turned into a thin rain that didn’t manage to soak you immediately, but dampened everything so thoroughly you didn’t feel how wet you were gradually getting until you might as well have been running through heavy rain.

Sanghyuk didn’t care that it started raining. He didn’t care that his hair plastered to his face in wet streaks, and that his breeches clung uncomfortably cold and wet to his thighs, chafing with every step. He had no intentions of finding shelter from the thin rain, and even less so to go back inside the castle. Sometimes he even forgot what he was searching the gardens for as he dragged himself along the sandy paths, but then he’d remember again. N, oh N, just where was he?!

He had no idea when tears had started running down his face, mixing with the rain, but he didn’t care about that, either. He needed to rest, though, and sat heavily on the edge of the basin of the merman-fountain, grimacing as he spotted his torn reflection in the uneven water-surface. He didn’t need to see his horrible face right now; pushing himself up again, he stumbled onwards until he found the unicorn statue to lean on.

He leaned heavily against the delicate yet firm hind legs of the prancing marble animal, his heart squeezing painfully in longing as he recognized just where he was. Oh, just where was his N-hyung, he needed him so much right now!

He let go of the marble statue, too, stumbling into their little clearing. At least there he would feel closer to him, right?

His chest tightened as he found the bench empty; a tiny spark of hope that he’d find him there, in their spot, had still been glimmering inside him, but now it died like the fragile flame of a candle in the rain. Still, he took the remaining steps to close the distance to the bench, planning on resting there for at least a little while before he resumed his search.

He should never get the chance to sit down there then, though, as his heart stopped at the sight of something on the wet ground on the other side of the bench.

Forgetting all about himself, the pain and the cold and the tiredness, he rushed to the other side of the clearing, dropping to his knees next to the wet bundle he’d spotted.

“N-hyung!” He gasped, his heart speeding up in panic.

The other man lay motionless on the soaked, sandy ground, wearing just an unusually thin white linen shirt and a pair of equally as thin looking black breeches with once neat horse-riding boots. He hadn’t come out here to tend to the garden, that much was for sure; not in these clothes.

“N-hyung! You can’t lay out here, you’ll get sick! Oh, damn… How long have you been here?”

Sanghyuk became frantic as his hands flew over the other’s body, finding all of his clothes completely soaked and the skin underneath freakishly cold. If it wasn’t for the fluttering of a pulse he found on his wrist, he would probably have screamed. It didn’t help that his vibrant red hair looked way too much like blood, wet as it was, either.

Forcing himself to calm down, Sanghyuk quickly got out of his jacket, which thankfully was still dry inside, and wrapped it around the older as he pulled him up. He could feel him stir, and –oddly enough- push against his chest, as if to push him off.

“Shh, hyung, I got you. I got you. I’ll bring you inside, alright? I’ll get you warmed up and something dry for you to wear.”

The older struggled though, shaking his head as he both pushed against Sanghyuk’s shoulders and clung onto them.

“Not inside… Not inside!” Sanghyuk could hear him whisper, his voice tiny and barely audible over the frantic beating of his own heart in his ears and the constant pitter-patter of the rain around them.

“But, hyung! You are freezing, you can’t stay out here! You’ll catch death if you don’t get warmed up soon!”

Again, N pushed at his shoulders, his hands still clutching the fabric of his quickly soaking shirt while he tried to turn away from him in a completely contradicting motion.

“Not inside… Can’t be… inside.”

Sanghyuk only barely caught him as he swayed dangerously after finally letting go, holding him close.

“Alright, alright, not inside. I won’t bring you inside. But you need to warm up, hyung. Can I bring you to the greenhouses, at least?”

N didn’t answer, but he didn’t push Sanghyuk away again, which the younger deemed a step in the right direction. He pulled his jacket tighter around the older’s shaking frame before turning him around and lifting him to carry him to the nearby greenhouses.

The older clutched to the neck of Sanghyuk’s shirt as if his life depended on it, hiding his face against his shoulder while Sanghyuk focused on getting him to shelter as quickly as possible. He didn’t know where the strength to carry his hyung came from, had he barely had any strength left to even carry his own weight on his legs only moments before. Now, he strode through the gardens and thickening rain with sure steps, cradling his precious freight close to his chest. As soon as he’d pushed up the doors to the first greenhouse and stepped inside, though, N struggled against him with a strength he wouldn’t have expected from him in his condition.

“Whoa, hyung! Careful!” Sanghyuk was taken aback by the sudden reaction, barely catching his balance and setting N on his feet as gently as possible. As soon as his feet touched ground, he fled from Sanghyuk’s hold, stumbling further into the greenhouse. He didn’t make it far, his legs giving out on him and having him drop on his knees only a few steps away from Sanghyuk, who quickly rushed to his side.

“Hyung, hyung! Oh, hyung, please, be careful. Let me help you, alright?”

A sob wrenched itself from N’s throat, and he leaned his head heavily against Sanghyuk’s chest. Carefully, the younger lifted them both, slowly guiding them to a bench between two tall blue-ish green bushes that filled the air around them with an exotic aroma that neither had the will to appreciate right then.

Sanghyuk lowered the older to the bench carefully, but didn’t sit next to him. He knew there had to be a crate here somewhere with blankets and pillows meant to be taken out into the garden to make the wooden and stone benches more comfortable… They hadn’t been used in a while and were dusty and some even had holes in them already, but they had to make due.

“I’ll be right back, hyung. Just stay here, alright? I’ll just be a minute, and then we’ll get you warmed up and dry so you don’t catch a cold.”

He didn’t wait for an answer, making sure over his shoulder that the older stayed where he was as he darted off. He really didn’t take long, grabbing as many blankets as he could carry and returning as fast as humanly possible. Thankfully, his hyung still sat where he’d left him, curled in on himself and shivering.

Sanghyuk dropped the blankets on the bench next to the older, wrapping one around his shoulders. To his surprise, he pushed it off though, shaking his head.

“Hyung, you can’t sit around here, freezing. You have to warm up and get those clothes either dry or off. Please, hyung. I don’t want you to get sick…”

That made the other swallow, hard, and he let Sanghyuk drape the blanket around him again. He then took a smaller blanket and started patting his hair dry, then, as N didn’t protest, rubbing it softly through the dark red strands and massaging his scalp gently in the process. Eventually, the older rested back against Sanghyuk, giving in to the caresses until his hair was as dry as possible and Sanghyuk had combed it into place with his fingers. He was still shivering, though, and Sanghyuk shook his head at him.

“I think you need to get out of the jacket, hyung. Your shirt will dry under the blankets, but not with the jacket in between.”

N was reluctant to let the blanket go, and even more reluctant to let go of Sanghyuk’s jacket, but eventually surrendered himself again to his care. Still, he struggled when Sanghyuk pulled him into his arms, but just as Sanghyuk was about to give up for the time being, he gave in again with a sob.

It broke Sanghyuk’s heart, to see his hyung this obviously torn. He had no idea what could make him so reluctant to accept his help, then a second later cling to him like a dying man… And then it clicked.

“Hyung… That thing you told me about yesterday… The one you were afraid of doing and didn’t know how it would end… Did you do it already? Is that why… Did it end badly?”

Another broken sob, and then N nodded, his fingers digging into Sanghyuk’s wet shirt.

Sanghyuk’s heart felt like it fell out of his chest to lay in the dirt at their feet.

“Oh no… Hyung! I’m sorry… But, hyung… It will be alright. You didn’t die. And you won’t die. I won’t let you… I’ll keep you safe!”

N only started crying harder. It were the most heartbreaking sounds Sanghyuk had ever heard in his life, but he held the older through it as the sobs wracked his frame, letting him soak his damp shirt anew with his tears.

For hours they sat in the greenhouse, barely registering the rain stopping and starting anew outside and the light of the day slowly fading. As time passed, N would stop crying eventually, and then he’d push Sanghyuk off, wrapping the blankets that Sanghyuk exchanged whenever they became too damp tightly around himself. He refused to talk to Sanghyuk, not a word of explaining what had happened exactly that had him so devastated, but then the tears would come back, and he’d cling to the younger again, so tightly as if he was afraid he’d just disappear forever.

Eventually, though, the tears subsided completely, and he didn’t let go of Sanghyuk. He just laid there, his head resting against the younger’s chest, and neither spoke a word. The rain stopped again, and the clouds gave way to the last rays of sunshine of the day that casted the sky in tones of lavender, gold and pink.

In the distance, the bell rang, signaling dinner was ready, but both ignored it.

The last light of the day faded, and only a slim slice of the moon illuminated the darkness, but that wouldn’t last long, either.

“Sanghyukkie… You should go inside…”

N’s voice wasn’t more than a hoarse whisper, strained from too many tears and sobs and lack of use. Still, it startled Sanghyuk.

“I can’t…” He answered, once the momentary shock had worn off.

“Why not?”

Sanghyuk took a while before he could answer.

“I did something terrible, hyung…”

The older shifted, sitting up a bit but still leaning against Sanghyuk. A hand emerged from between the mountain of blankets they were wrapped in, cupping his face gently.

“What could you have done that’s so terrible you can’t go inside and have dinner?”

Tears welled up in Sanghyuk’s eyes, but he fought them down. It was his own fault, he had no right to tears.

“I… I was horrible. I am horrible, hyung. A horrible person.”

He could feel the older shake his head in the darkness.

“You’re not, Sanghyukkie. You’re not a horrible person. Not at all.”

Sanghyuk took N’s hand in his own carefully, leading it away from his face. He didn’t deserve his comfort, either.

“I am, hyung. I… What I did… I don’t know why, or how… I don’t understand where it came from, but suddenly… There was so much hate, I didn’t even recognize myself. I didn’t know I could feel so much hate. And for no reason… Hyung, I… I met Lord Hakyeon today… And… I… I shouted horrible things at him. Things so horrible, I don’t understand how I could come up with them, and even less how I could shout them at a person. Especially a person I didn’t even know! And still don’t know, actually. But I did. And he deserved none of it. I don’t know why, because I don’t hate him! I really don’t! But when I saw him… I hated him in that moment, so much it consumed my whole being, but when I think back, it makes no sense and I don’t hate him. It… it makes my head hurt to try to understand it, and my heart hurt when I think of what I did to him, how he must have felt… And Hongbin, too. Hongbin… He will hate me for sure for what I did, and I deserve it. But that’s… that’s why I can’t go inside. I can’t stay in Lord Hakyeon’s house, and eat his food and sleep under his roof after what I did.”

Silence answered him for a long time, but then N’s arms came around him and hugged him close.

“Sanghyuk-ah… There’s a promise. A promise that you’ll be safe here, that you’ll be protected here, and that you’ll be taken care of here. That promise; it still stands. It will always stand. When the old Lords talked about it, and the old Lord Cha made the promise to your father, they knew there could be a possibility that you and whoever would be Lord here when you had to come live here wouldn’t get along. But the promise included that you’d still be kept safe and cared for even if you didn’t get along with the Lord of the castle, and the Lord would still be honour bound to see that you’d get the best future possible, no matter how he felt about you, either.”

Sanghyuk drew a shaky breath.

“I don’t deserve that, though… I don’t think I can accept that…”

N tightened his hold around Sanghyuk quickly in a chastising manner.

“Sanghyuk-ah, don’t say things like that! Of course you deserve that, and you will accept it!”

Sanghyuk didn’t answer, just hanging his head, and N held him close. The moon disappeared behind the horizon, too, eventually, and there was nothing but darkness around them anymore.

That was, until tiny lights began dancing through the garden outside, and distant voices could be heard.

“They are looking for you, Sanghyuk. They are worried; you’ve been gone for so long. You need to go and meet them, and go inside.”

Sanghyuk’s breaths quickened, panic welling up inside him, but N was quick to soothe him.

“Shh, Sanghyukkie. Just go and talk to Hongbin. He will understand you. Tell him what you told me, and he’ll listen and understand. He’ll forgive you, he is kind. And you do deserve his forgiveness!”

He sat up quietly, gently pushing Sanghyuk off, and Sanghyuk swallowed hard. Even if Hongbin forgave him, and maybe even the Lord…

“Hyung… What about you, though? Do you… Can I even hope for you to forgive me?”

“I never blamed you, Sanghyuk. Not a single second. There is nothing to forgive.”

Sanghyuk couldn’t believe his ears.

“So you don’t think… You don’t think I’m as bad as I know I am?”

A hand came up to ruffle his hair affectionately.

“Of course not. You are dumb, Sanghyukkie! You aren’t bad, and I could never think anything bad of you, either!”

Sanghyuk gasped quietly, his heart doing the most extravagant somersaults in his chest at the older’s words. That was, until his tone registered with Sanghyuk. Why did he sound that incredibly sad as he said that?!

“Go now, Sanghyuk! Don’t let them search for you all night; it isn’t fair on them.”

N pushed Sanghyuk to his feet, and he swayed unsteadily in the dark.

“Hyung… Aren’t you coming, though? Your clothes are still damp, and you can still get a cold… You shouldn’t stay out here, either!”

A sigh answered him.

“I’ll go inside, too, and see if I find Wonshik to make sure I don’t get sick; but only after I see you inside safely! Not a moment sooner! Now go, don’t make them worry any longer!”

With all the reluctance in the world, Sanghyuk stumbled towards the door and outside. Once on the sandy path in front of the greenhouse, the light from the stars was enough to guide him towards the house, and one of the lanterns dancing between the bushes. It was just his luck that it would be Hongbin carrying the lantern he found first.

He froze, his heart almost stilling as he recognized the servant, but he hurried towards him quickly.

“There you are! Come in, quick! Where did you leave your jacket?! Hurry, go, go inside!”

Hongbin pushed him gently, but Sanghyuk didn’t miss that his eyes never met his own. There was a hollow tone in his voice that stabbed painfully at his chest, and he wanted nothing more than to apologize, but no words made it past his lips.

Hongbin didn’t speak again as he ushered him inside, except to tell another servant they passed to inform the others Sanghyuk had been found and was safe. After that, he fell into complete silence. He didn’t blame him, not with looks or with actions, but he didn’t convey anything else, either. He simply guided him up to his chambers, helped him get out of his still damp clothes and boots, laid out his night clothes, lit the fires and brought him a late dinner, but nothing out of the usual.

He was about to leave again, no doubt definitely for the night, when Sanghyuk finally managed to gather his voice together and stopped him.

“Hongbin-ah… I… I need to talk to you…”

Hongbin froze with one hand already on the door-know, but turned around again, his face void of any emotion.

“Please, come over and sit down, I… This is going to take a while.”

Hongbin’s brow furrowed minutely, but he quickly smoothed it out, his blank expression back in place as he sat on an ottoman not far from Sanghyuk, but also not too close.

“I-... I’m sorry, Hongbin.”

He needed a moment to take a deep breath, then proceeded to repeat what he’d already tried to explain to N. He was only just slightly more articulate as he tried to convey what he needed to, his thoughts no more in order or making more sense than they had before, but Hongbin listened regardless.

“I’m so sorry Hongbin… I don’t know if you can ever forgive me, and I’m not asking for it, actually. I don’t even know if I can ever forgive myself. I just want you to know… Well, what I just told you. I promise I’m going to apologize to Lord Hakyeon, too, if I get a chance. I don’t deserve his forgiveness, or yours, but I need to make sure you know how deeply I regret what I did, anyway.”

Hongbin didn’t answer when Sanghyuk finished, letting the silence settle around him before he broke it again, surprising Sanghyuk with his words.

“Where have you been all day?”

Sanghyuk’s head snapped up, his gaze confused as he met Hongbin’s.

“I-I… In the gardens, and then in the greenhouses, with N-hyung…”

“With… With Lord N?”

Hongbin’s eyes widened like saucers as he jumped up from his seat, startling Sanghyuk.

“Y-yes…”

“Where is he? Is he alright?”

Sanghyuk was seriously taken aback by how frantic Hongbin sounded all of a sudden.

“Uh… He said he’d come inside and find Wonshik right after he knew me inside safely… He… I found him earlier today, when it was raining. He’d passed out in the gardens and was soaking wet, but he refused to let me bring him inside, so I brought him to the greenhouses instead. He… wasn’t alright… He cried most of the day, but he was getting better towards the evening. I think… I hope he’s feeling much better now…”

Hongbin let out a sigh of relief, running a nervous hand through his hair.

“Oh my, I’m so glad… Sanghyuk-ah, I… I’m not mad at you, alright? I’m not blaming you for… For what happened this morning. There’s something… I can’t explain it to you right now. But… I need to… I really need to go do something now, so… Can I leave, please?”

Sanghyuk’s eyes widened, tentative relief seeping into his heart at Hongbin’s words.

Hastily, he nodded, allowing Hongbin to leave. As he was about to step out of the door, though, he stopped him once more.

“Hongbin… Are you… Are you going to check up on Lord Hakyeon?”

Hongbin froze, shifting uncomfortably and avoiding Sanghyuk’s gaze, confirming his suspicion.

“It’s just… I want to apologize to him personally, and not through you. But… can you do me a favour?”

Hongbin blinked owlishly, nodding his head, though.

“Can you make sure N-hyung made it inside, too, and if he’s alright?”

Hongbin’s stance loosened up a bit, a small crease forming between his brows instead, but eventually he nodded, then left.


	7. Chapter 7

Sanghyuk barely slept that night, and he had a feeling N wouldn’t be sleeping well, either. Unfortunately, though, the older didn’t come over that night, like he had the night before. Sanghyuk turned around in his bed yet again, sighing. Had it really only been the night before when he and N had fallen asleep together in front of the fireplace? It felt like it had been ages ago…

 Eventually, the sun rose, and with it the people in the castle. Sanghyuk decided to get up, too, eventually, despite feeling as if his bones had been replaced with lead. Weakly, he made his way down to the breakfast salon, just to stab at his breakfast unenthusiastically. He didn’t notice Hongbin had slipped into the quiet room until the servant sat down across from him, making him look up.

“I didn’t find Lord N last night, but Wonshik told me he came inside shortly after you. I met him this morning, though, and he told me to tell you he won’t be in the garden today, and for you not to look for him.”

Sanghyuk’s shoulders sagged, but he nodded in acceptance. Still, he wasn’t looking forward to spending the day on his own. He didn’t bother going outside to spend the day in the garden, either, since they didn’t hold half their attractiveness without N there. Instead, he got himself one of the boring books from the library and holed up in his room.

Just a few pages in, and he was already sure the book would be boring enough to kill him with boredom, but he stuck with it, forcing himself to focus on the increasingly boring and predictable story that lined cliché after cliché, trying not to constantly ask himself how someone had deemed this worthy of wasting paper on it.

A small ray of sunshine lit his otherwise bleak day when a knock sounded on his door.

“Lord Sanghyuk? It’s Wonshik here…”

Sanghyuk looked up from the book, blinking in confusion.

“Come in?” He invited the servant in, and he bowed quickly after closing the door behind him.

“A note, mylord… From Lord N…”

Sanghyuk had to reign himself in hard not to leap out of his seat and snatch the note from Wonshik’s hands, instead waving him over to place the small folded paper on the side table next to him. His heart beat faster and he could barely tear his eyes away from it as he thanked the servant.

“Thank you, Wonshik. Is the Lord awaiting an answer?”

The servant shrugged.

“I don’t know, mylord. Should I wait outside in case you want to send him a reply?”

Sanghyuk shook his head.

“That won’t be necessary. Thank you, Wonshik.”

Again, the man bowed, then left.

Sanghyuk wasn’t sure he even heard the lock click after him, as he couldn’t wait a moment longer to pick up the note, unfolding it with shaking fingers.

It wasn’t a long note, just tree words in fact, but they managed to warm Sanghyuk from the top of his head to the tip of his toes.

“ _I miss you._ ”

The book lay forgotten for the rest of the day, as Sanghyuk found that small note, those simple three words, worlds more interesting than the whole book. He lay back on the futon, staring at the note for hours, rereading it more times than one would think possible, alternating with clutching the small piece of parchment to his chest as if it were his most prized possession. It might as well be.

When the next morning came, and Hongbin approached him with an exhausted expression, he was still not quite down from the high the small note had brought to him, but while he tried to hide it from Hongbin, he didn’t dare investigate the reason for those feelings any further.

The servant flopped down into the chair across from Sanghyuk, his elbows propped on the table, hair disheveled, and sighed loudly.

Sanghyuk rose an eyebrow. Just a few very short weeks ago, Hongbin would never have dared to appear in front of him like that. What a stark contrast he made to Lord Hakyeon’s servant the day before! Maybe he should suggest Hongbin learned a thing or two from his boyfriend… or maybe Sanghyuk didn’t care at all.

“What’s wrong, Hongbin?” He asked instead, suspecting a very good reason for Hongbin to look as if he hadn’t slept a wink the night before. Come to think of it, wasn’t he wearing the exact same clothes as well?

“Lord Hakyeon wants to meet with you again.”

Sanghyuk’s heart stilled. Now that was something he wouldn’t have expected, and now he knew he dreaded it.

“When?” He asked in a whisper, and Hongbin looked up from the speck of dust he’d been staring at on the table.

“Whenever you’re ready, but this morning for sure.”

Sanghyuk swallowed heavily. This would be his chance to apologize to the Lord… Even though it was probably also the moment the Lord would ask him to leave his house and grounds for good...

Sanghyuk’s head snapped up when Hongbin cleared his throat, catching his attention again.

“Also, Lord N asked me to pass you this note…” A minuscule lopsided smile that barely hinted a dimple flitted across the servant’s face as he pushed a small square of folded parchment across the table. With Hongbin, Sanghyuk didn’t have the same reservations as with Wonshik the day before, and he leaned forward as far as he could, snatching it out of his hand before it reached even the middle of the table.

Hongbin’s smile widened a little, but Sanghyuk didn’t have eyes for it, just waiting for Hongbin to leave so he could read the note in peace without having to school his reactions. Hongbin didn’t seem to be thinking about leaving just yet, though.

“Hongbin… Go wait somewhere else. I’ll call for you when I need you to show me to Lord Hakyeon.”

The servant chuckled, mischief glinting in his eyes, but eventually he sauntered out of the room. Sanghyuk was sure he took as long as possible on purpose.

This time, he waited for the lock to click, knowing his servant too well, and only then unfolded the note.

“ _Sanghyukkie_

_I know what you’re thinking when you think about the impending meeting. I want you to remember what I told you in the greenhouse; the promise made by Lord Cha to your father still stands, and will always stand._

_I also think I know what you’re thinking about how you’re supposed to face the Lord; it might help if you don’t look at him while you’re talking. As rude as you may think that might be, I’m sure it will make things easier. You know how I mean, just like you do it when you’re with me._

_I miss you. I’ll be in the garden later_.”

Sanghyuk blinked at the note, rereading it again, and again afterwards, just to make sure he understood what N was telling him. In the end, he was sure he didn’t understand a thing, other than the last line, but he would follow the advice given.

As he trotted out of the salon completely unenthusiastically, he wasn’t all that surprised to find Hongbin waiting in the hallway just outside the door. Without a word, the servant led the way to Lord Hakyeon’s study, knocking, opening the door and stepping aside, just like two days ago.

Except that nothing was like two days ago.

Sanghyuk kept his head low as he entered the room, careful not to look at the lord as he swept the room with his eyes to find where he was. He stood in the shadows, again.

“Lord Sanghyuk. Please, have a seat.”

Sanghyuk caught the inviting movement of his hand out of the corner of his eye, and hurried to follow. A hint of the hot feeling that had clawed at him the last time before the wave of hatred had crashed over him spread in his gut, but he forced it down, thinking about N instead. He could do it, he told himself, it wouldn’t be hard, the Lord even had a similar voice to N... And he had to apologize.

He sat down, adjusting his position on the chair he’d chosen, and carefully avoided looking at the Lord as he came closer.

“Lord Hakyeon… I am terribly sorry for my behavior the other day. I have no excuse other than that I don’t know what came over me, and I want to reassure you I didn’t mean any of the things I said. I do not expect your forgiveness or for you to uphold any promises made by our fathers, and if it is your wish I will leave your premises as soon as today.”

The Lord didn’t answer immediately, having stopped a good ways away from Sanghyuk.

“It has long been forgiven and forgotten, Lord Sanghyuk. I do not expect you to go anywhere, and all promises will be honoured, still. Although I have to admit I can’t guarantee that I will be able to find you a suitable spouse in a time you might find appropriate. Of course I will put my best efforts into it, still, but if it is your wish, I will see that I instead find someone more suitable for that task.”

Hot rage bubbled up inside of Sanghyuk, and against better judgement, his head snapped up to look at the Lord. Instantly, the same foreign feeling as the last time returned, clouding his vision, his judgement, threatening to take his self-control from him. But Sanghyuk fought the urge to hurl the foulest insults at the Lord, despite the outright painful need to do so clawing at his heart, his soul, screaming at him so loud it hurt his head.

Eventually, he couldn’t stand it anymore, and he jumped out of his seat, running out of the room as fast as his legs could carry him. Only when he toppled into a row of bushes he and N had trimmed just a few days ago and the wet leaves hit his face did he dare to even breathe again. He sank to the ground weakly, drawing ragged breaths.

Just what was wrong with him that the Lord elicited such a response from him? He might not have yelled at him this time, but surely running away without a single word wasn’t much better!

He just didn’t understand. It didn’t make sense. He didn’t hate the Lord!

He curled in on himself, wrapping his arms around his torso and holding on tightly in a weak attempt to hold himself together as he felt as though he was being ripped apart from the inside. He felt nauseous, a skull-splitting headache tormenting him while every beat of his heart was a painful struggle.

He didn’t know how long he kneeled next to the little bushes, rocking back and forth slowly while trying to breathe through the pain. Just as the physical torment started to subside, though, he suddenly remembered the Lord’s face. He hadn’t paid much attention to details, not being able to see much through the hate clouding his vision, but what returned with an eerie clarity now was the sight of the Lord’s eyes. Not so much their shape or colour, but rather the look in them; they looked so hurt, broken, profoundly sad…

Sanghyuk gasped as the look in those eyes tore at his heart again, made him want to get up, find the Lord and hug him, console him until he felt better, just something. It didn’t matter how irrational it actually was. But he couldn’t find the strength to get up in him anyway, so he just stayed where he was.

Time passed -how much he would never be able to tell- but eventually, a pair of strong arms wrapped around him, lifting him carefully to his feet.

“Come on, Sanghyuk. Up with you! Let’s find a bench or something to sit, alright?” N’s soothing voice registered easily with him, and he let the older guide him to a nearby garden pavilion.

“Hyung…” He started weakly, needing to voice what was tearing at his heart, but N shushed him, stroking his hair soothingly.

“Shh, it’s alright, Sanghyukkie.”

Sanghyuk shook his head.

“It isn’t, hyung. It really isn’t. I… I…”

“I know, I know. The meeting didn’t really go as planned, again, hm?”

The younger deflated even further, leaning his head against the older’s chest.

“No… I… I tried following your advice, and it went alright for a while. I… I managed to apologize, but then… I don’t understand, I just looked up and everything went downhill. I didn’t yell, but it was so hard not to! I don’t know why! I just ran away, I couldn’t stand it anymore. And… it hurts, hyung. Everything hurts when I see the Lord. It’s as if I’m being torn apart, every little piece of me…!”

N hugged the younger closer, silence stretching between them for a while.

“There won’t be a way around you meeting him more often, though… There are things you have to discuss…”

Sanghyuk tensed, sitting up and winding out of N’s embrace.

“And what if I don’t want to discuss those things?”

“You should want to… It’s your future, after all…”

Sanghyuk huffed.

“I was never given a chance to decide about my own future, with everyone telling me it would be for the better to let others decide for me. I don’t know how to decide anything, anyway! Yet all of a sudden I’m supposed to make decisions? How? I’m just as likely to make the wrong decision as I am to make a right one. I’m not fit to decide anything!”

N shook his head.

“Sanghyuk…”

“No, hyung! If I were given a choice, I know what I would chose! And I know I can’t have it, so I don’t want the choice! There is no use!”

Anger welled up in Sanghyuk and he clenched his fists at his sides. Just thinking about the Lord now was enough to make the unfounded hatred rise again, and he didn’t want that poisoning his soul. It took everything he had in him to focus on something else, something that was strong enough to fight down the hatred; like the man behind him, even though he unnerved him right now. But he focused on how he felt the day before, when he’d gotten the note from him. It helped, and the anger died down.

“Sanghyuk-ah~” N tried again, his voice low and soothing, and it didn’t fail to calm Sanghyuk now.

“I want no part in a decision I know isn’t going to be what I want anyway, hyung… There is no way any decision made by the Lord is going to be what makes me the happiest I could be. Maybe had he made it right away when I arrived… But not anymore. Maybe a month ago I’d have been happy to be given a chance to have an input in the decision about my future. But now I know what I want and that I can’t have it, and all I have left is to choose that I don’t want a part in deciding what‘s going to make me unhappy. I want to preserve at least that peace of mind for myself.”

N didn’t answer anymore, and Sanghyuk didn’t elaborate any further. Eventually, the bell called them for lunch and they went separate ways, like always. In all these weeks, they hadn’t shared a single meal together, and it didn’t look like that would change any time soon. But it was alright.

They didn’t meet in the garden that afternoon.

***

Sanghyuk met the Lord again the next day. Half of the time, he was trying his best not to let the hatred overwhelm him, thinking about N instead. The other half of the time, he was trying not to let the Lord’s words and what they meant for him get the better of him. He didn’t say anything the whole time, staring at the floor instead of looking up and risking a look at the Lord.

“Lord Sanghyuk, if I am to find you a spouse, I’ll need to know about your preferences, too. It’s not all about just making sure they keep you safe and can provide for you.”

The anger in Sanghyuk became too much.

“What does it matter what preferences I have? What will knowing about my preferences change, anyway? Since when am I even allowed to have preferences?! Or actually, since when is it even considered I might _have_ preferences, in the first place?!”

Again, he made the mistake of looking up. Again, those sad eyes pierced all the way through to his soul. And again, the hatred welled up in him, choking him. Except this time, he wouldn’t have been able to yell his hatred out even if he’d wanted to, his throat constricting as the pain in his head and heart overwhelmed him.

He didn’t know how he made it to the garden pavilion, and didn’t know when N had found him there. He just knew that eventually, he found himself circled by his arms, his head resting against his chest.

“Why aren’t you yelling at me already? I am being horrible…”

Delicate fingers ran through his hair, parting it, sorting strands on top of his head, then undoing their work and starting anew. It was oh so soothing, and Sanghyuk never wanted it to end.

“You’re not… I believe there is a reason that makes you behave like you are, and I see how badly it’s affecting you. You are punished enough already without me chastising you in any way.”

Sanghyuk’s throat constricted, the same anger as earlier rising in him and he tensed in N’s embrace.

“I might not be behaving the right way, and I might deserve what I am getting for it… But I don’t deserve what’s making me behave wrong in the first place! That I’m starting to be damned sure of!”

It was N’s turn to tense around Sanghyuk.

“And… And what is that?”

Sanghyuk sat up at that and turned away again.

“He kept asking me about what I want! What my preferences are, what I’m looking for in a spouse! Why? It’s his job to look at what is best for me in a potential spouse, not mine! Common belief is I don’t know what to look for anyway! I was never taught what I should look for; just to let others do that for me! Besides, it would make no difference if I told him what I like. It won’t make a difference to anyone he could find for me! All I am is a trophy or a toy, anyway!”

Sanghyuk had gotten up in the meantime, starting to pace the small room under the pavilion’s roof in front of N, but he’d stopped now, hanging his head and taking deep, shuddering breaths.

“Despite everything, I found out what I want, what I like, what I would wish for. But… He will never find that. And… I don’t want him to find it. It would never… never be right.”

Sanghyuk’s voice wasn’t much more than a whisper as he added that rest to his rant, and he didn’t wait for a response from N before turning away and walking off, hiding somewhere else in the garden. He didn’t come inside for lunch when the bell rang, instead getting himself some tools and tending to a rather neglected part of the garden, close to the furthest corner of the complex. N found him some time around the middle of the afternoon, but no words were spoken between them and they worked in silence, next to each other, until night fell and the dinner-bell rang. Before they could part ways, though, Sanghyuk turned to hug the older. He held him for a long time, and he wished he would never have to let go of him. But of course, he had to, and he could feel N letting him go with the same reluctance that he had to fight against himself.

“Good night, hyung…” He whispered as he finally turned around, stepping through the open doors of the garden salon.


	8. Chapter 8

The days went on like that. Every morning, Sanghyuk would find himself in Lord Hakyeon’s study while the other Lord tried to coax any admission of what he expected from his future spouse from him. Sometimes he asked directly, sometimes he veiled his questions. Sometimes he tried to elicit a negative response to be able to cross something out, sometimes he suggested potential candidates, always with rising despair that he tried and failed to hide from Sanghyuk.

Sanghyuk didn’t care what he tried, simply refusing to answer. At some point –always sooner rather than later- he would always snap, though, unable to stand it any longer. He didn’t know what it was that always made him look up at some point, staring at the Lord before the already familiar pain tore through his body and he left the room running.

One night, though, as he cried silently into his pillow, he admitted to himself it was like a morbid fascination that made him long to see the Lords face, just those few fractions of a second that allowed him to study his features before the unreasonable hatred clouded his mind and the soul and heart wrenching pain attacked him.

He still didn’t understand the hatred that overcame him, because despite everything, he didn’t hate Lord Hakyeon. He hated their meetings, hated the topic they discussed, hated the words the Lord said. But he didn’t hate Lord Hakyeon.

Another constant was N finding him in the gardens at some point after Sanghyuk had run off, and Sanghyuk spilling his sorrows to him. He was getting better at overcoming the searing pain the meetings left in his heart and soul, threatening to split his skull, and more and more often he was already fine again when N found him. At least physically. Emotionally, he wondered how much longer he would be able to live like this before he sustained lasting damage from it.

It didn’t help that N was getting more and more silent when they met. And when he talked, Sanghyuk often found that N’s opinions tended to side more with Lord Hakyeon than with him. It hurt, finding him agreeing with the things Lord Hakyeon said, trying to convince him to understand the other Lord. What was worst, though, that more often than not, he could see the reason and understand Lord Hakyeon after N explained things from his point of view.

Sanghyuk would never admit that, though. He didn’t want to understand Lord Hakyeon’s reasoning and intentions. It was so much easier to pretend he didn’t understand than admit that he was right in the things he said and did that caused him so much pain.

Still, he wouldn’t admit to the pain or its reason to N, either. And despite everything, he never got mad at N for what he did. He just didn’t know how long he could live like that, and he found himself wishing Lord Hakyeon would just marry him off to the next best candidate. He would probably be miserable when he did, but he would be no matter who the Lord chose. Still, he believed any kind of misery would be better than the one he was in now.

He couldn’t tell how many days since the first meeting had passed when Sanghyuk eventually ran away after yet another round of questions from the Lord, burying himself in garden work straight away to sweat his anger out before N even managed to find him.

Like always, he ranted endlessly to the older once he arrived, not looking up from his work while he did so, and missing that N had yet to lift a single tool when he was done.

“Why don’t you just say what it is you want, then, Sanghyuk? Even if you think the qualities you are looking for can’t be found anywhere, or if you don’t want them to be found; at least that will be over and you can move on…”

Sanghyuk froze at N’s words, all of his insides turning to ice. Tears welled up in his eyes, but he hid them quickly.

“You don’t understand, hyung. You don’t-… After all this-… What I want… I know what I want because I’ve found it! I don’t want the Lord to find it anywhere else, because it will never be the same. It would only remind me of what I couldn’t have, constantly; making me long for it, but I’d always only find shadows of it that will haunt me forever. I can’t live like that, hyung!”

With that, he ran off, locking himself in his chambers for the rest of the day. Hongbin turned up repeatedly, knocking on his doors, but Sanghyuk turned him away. He knew it wasn’t fair since he was keeping Hongbin out of his own room, too, but he couldn’t stand the presence of another human being with him just yet. And it wasn’t like Hongbin wouldn’t find another warm bed to spend the night in.

Sanghyuk was sure he’d never cried as much as after his half-confession to N. Yes, confession. He’d been sure of what he felt for a while now, but had never put his feelings into perspective. Neither for himself, nor for anyone else. But after he’d blurted what he had to N, it all came crashing down on him.

He loved the older. Despite knowing they could never be, he loved him. Despite being told all of his life that love just wasn’t an option for an omega, he had found it. But he wished he never had, because a pain so severe like knowing his love could never be was worse than anything he could imagine.

He didn’t sleep that night.

He was a wreck when he left his chambers the next morning, and he made a conscious decision not to run into the gardens when he’d eventually flee from the inevitable meeting with Lord Hakyeon. He didn’t want to face N, despite his entire being longing for the other.

His breakfast was left untouched once more, and he dragged himself up to Lord Hakyeon’s study with the last reserves of energy he had left after refusing the third meal in a row. Had he been a little more alert, he would have noticed something about the Lord was different that morning, but as it was, the much softer tone of voice didn’t even register with him.

“Good morning, Lord Sanghyuk… Please, sit.”

Sanghyuk flopped into the seat he always chose.

“Lord Sanghyuk, I’m just going to try and talk about this with you one last time. You… I have several requests from people all over the country and even some neighboring countries… I believe even a princess asked for your hand already, but I’m not sure if it really is the princess or her younger brother that actually wants to marry you… Anyway-“

Sanghyuk couldn’t stand it any longer, his patience running thinner today than ever before.

“I don’t care, Lord Hakyeon. I really don’t care. Be it a princess or a farmer, a duke or a stable-boy. I don’t care. I really don’t. You want to know what I want? There is only one person I really want. One person who I consider worthy of me, one person I want to be given to. One single, specific person I will ever stand the touch of and who I want to be with every single day of my life. But does it matter? It doesn’t. Because I’m nothing but an omega, and omegas don’t get what they want. They don’t get anything; others get them. Others own them. Others make the decisions for them, and whether or not their heart belongs to someone already, it is irrelevant. I will always only love that one person, and besides him, nothing else matters to me. Sell me to a whore-house for all I care. I’m done here.”

His voice never rose beyond a cordial tone, but he might as well have yelled at the Lord. He didn’t look at him as he got up and walked away. He didn’t look where he went, his feet just carried him as an eerie calmness took over his heart and soul.

He wasn’t surprised to find himself in the garden at some point, but he regretted it once he heard the footsteps he knew like no others behind him.

“Sanghyuk, wait!”

He didn’t wait, only quickening his steps. The calmness faded as quickly as it had come, and tears sprung to his eyes. He didn’t want N to come closer, to hug him or talk to him or to even just be there. He didn’t want more of what he couldn’t have!

“Sanghyuk, please!” There was an underlying pain in N’s voice, and Sanghyuk’s heart screamed in agony. He wanted to turn around and fling himself into N’s arms, wanted to hold on to him and never let go. That was what he truly wanted, but it wasn’t meant to be.

Of course the older caught up to him quickly.

“Sanghyuk-“

“Stay away, hyung!”

He knew the other had frozen behind him, just and arm’s length behind him.

“Sanghyuk~”

“No! I can’t- Don’t, hyung. I- I can’t do this anymore. I just can’t! I told him what he wanted to know! Are you happy now? Did he tell you; do you already know what it was I told him? Or can you at least imagine? Because if you can… You’ll know- There is no-… You know, I told him to just choose whoever. Just marry me off to the next best person to come along. And I hope he does, because this-… I can’t stand it anymore! It’s breaking me apart!”

“Sanghyuk, look at me.”

Sanghyuk froze, his tears stopping instantly as his heart threatened to stop.

“W- what?” He breathed.

“I need you to turn around and look at me.”

“H-hyung, I- You- No, hyung, you don’t need to-“

“Sanghyuk, you say you can’t do this anymore. But neither can I. So just do it, please.”

Sanghyuk swallowed hard, but eventually turned around. He kept his eyes closed, though.

“Good. And now open your eyes. Look at me, and see who I am.”

“H-hyung-…” Sanghyuk didn’t want to do this, he knew something was wrong, something was about to go horribly wrong and he just didn’t want to-

“LOOK AT ME, SANGHYUK!”

It wasn’t so much the fact that N had yelled that made Sanghyuk jump and his eyes fly open, but the pain he heard in his voice.

It was nothing compared to the pain he saw in the older’s eyes, though, swimming in his tears, clouding his face in the deepest sadness he’d ever seen-

No, he had seen that sadness before, those hurt and broken eyes…

Sanghyuk gasped as realization hit him. Every day, he saw those eyes, and every night they haunted him.

He screamed as the familiar wave of hatred washed over him, and he fought against it with all he had. Had his heart and soul ever felt like they were being torn at, it was nothing compared to what he felt in that moment, vicious hatred tearing at them on one side while the most pure of love clung onto them on the other.

He didn’t believe what his eyes were telling him, but everything in him knew the truth and there was nothing that could deny it.

His legs gave out under him, but he didn’t feel them hit the ground. He didn’t stop screaming until his throat was raw and bleeding, and even then he wasn’t sure he’d stopped as he could still hear the voices of unadultered agony.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember I tagged scene with suicidal tendencies? It's here, proceed with caution if that affects you

When his vision focused again, the person in front of him wasn’t N anymore. Or Lord Hakyeon. He was gone. Instead, there was Hongbin, crying silently as he wrapped a blanket around him with shaking hands, then turning away to tend to the fire in the fireplace.

Sanghyuk looked around, confused to find himself in his chambers; his bedroom, more precisely. He had no idea how he got there, but he didn’t care. His head was blissfully empty for the time being, and he wanted it to stay that way.

Of course, it didn’t.

But even as the memory of the agony returned, it didn’t show. Hongbin would never be able to tell a difference from just looking at his Lord, but he couldn’t bear to look at the broken man either way. Eventually, he left, but even then Sanghyuk didn’t move.

His mind was sluggish, but it didn’t need to be quick to focus on the one thing that occupied it.

N was Lord Hakyeon. The man he loved was the man he unreasonably hated. The man he confessed his deepest secrets to was the man he didn’t want to know anything about him. The man he’d vented all his sorrows to was the man who brought those sorrows upon him in the first place. The man he longed to spend the rest of his life with was the man about to marry him off to a random stranger.

N had betrayed him. Lord Hakyeon had betrayed him.

They were the same person, and he didn’t know what he was supposed to feel anymore. He guessed that most of all, he wasn’t mad at either- well, since they were the same person, he wasn’t mad at _him_. More than anything, he was mad at life for dealing him such a fate. He couldn’t even be mad at Hongbin who must have known and not told him. If anything, he could be mad at himself, for not noticing it himself.

On the other hand, being angry at anyone at all was just so futile. It didn’t change anything, and in the end he’d still be hurt.

And so was N… or Hakyeon. When he took a moment to look beyond his own hurt, all he could see was the expression of agony on the other’s face; an agony so deep-rooted and all-consuming that even just seeing it let Sanghyuk know that it was far worse than the hurt and betrayal he felt now.

If he thought about it, that pain alone should have clued him in that N and Hakyeon were the same person. He’d seen the pain in the Lord’s eyes when they met, and he kept hearing it in N’s voice, if not in the times he’d found N crying and broken in the gardens.

His thoughts were interrupted when Hongbin entered the room again, carrying a tray with food and placing it quietly on a side table. He hovered close by, uncertain of how to approach his Lord, but to his surprise it was Sanghyuk who addressed him first.

“Hongbin-ah… Did you know? That… That N and Lord Hakyeon… That they were the same person?”

The servant tensed, avoiding Sanghyuk’s gaze, but nodded.

Sanghyuk exhaled shakenly.

“Why did you never tell me? Why did you pretend they were two separate people, too?”

Hongbin swallowed, but Sanghyuk could tell it wasn’t out of nervousness.

“I couldn’t…” He eventually answered.

Sanghyuk nodded. He’d expected something like that.

“Can you… can you tell me why you couldn’t?”

Hongbin shook his head no.

“No… I’m sorry, Sanghy- Lord Sanghyuk.”

Sanghyuk took a deep breath, nodding to himself.

“It… It isn’t Lord Hakyeon’s fault, though! He- He didn’t tell me to pretend or anything! In fact, it’s-“ He interrupted himself, clasping his hands over his mouth as if to stop himself from saying anything else, eyes wide. He shook his head again, lowering his hands.

“I can’t tell you why. I can’t. I’m sorry.”

Sanghyuk nodded again, waving a hand dismissively.

“It’s alright… It doesn’t matter anyway…”

Despair flashed in Hongbin’s eyes, and he looked about ready to cry again, but Sanghyuk barely registered it as his gaze wandered out of the window again.

“Lord Sanghyuk, you should eat… You haven’t eaten since yesterday morning…” Hongbin changed subjects after a moment of silence, but he wasn’t expecting a reaction; not really.

“Hongbin-ah… Do you hate me?”

Hongbin jumped at the whispered question, but quickly recomposed himself.

“No, Lord Sanghyuk. Why would I?”

Sanghyuk sighed, still staring unseeingly out of the window.

“I hurt Lord Hakyeon. Repeatedly. Every morning when we met and I yelled at him or ran away. And later… When I met him in the garden and complained about him and cursed him, not knowing… not knowing that I was complaining to the same person I was complaining _about_ … And ultimately today…”

Hongbin sighed.

“I don’t care just for him, Lord Sanghyuk. I care just as much for you. And it wasn’t just you hurting him; you hurt each other. Lord Hakyeon hurt you by keeping you in the dark for so long, and then by insisting on the meetings… and pretending to be two different people. Yet I hate neither of you for it. I just hurt for the both of you.”

Sanghyuk sighed.

“You are a better person than I could ever be, Hongbinnie… And please, don’t call me Lord anymore. I’m not worthy of that title… Not from you.”

Hongbin nodded, swallowing.

“Sanghyuk-ah… Can I ask you something? Something… That isn’t my place asking?”

Sanghyuk blinked, finally turning his head to look at Hongbin as he talked. He nodded once, encouraging the servant.

“Do you… Do you love him? Or did you? At least… who you knew as N?”

Pain flashed in Sanghyuk’s eyes, followed by a new wave of tears, and he turned away from Hongbin. He didn’t answer verbally, but it was answer enough for Hongbin, and he left quietly.

Sanghyuk didn’t touch the food Hongbin had brought, and eventually Hongbin picked it up and carried it away. Night fell, and Hongbin had to encourage Sanghyuk to leave his spot and go to bed, hoping he would get some rest.

It didn’t work, though. Ever since Hongbin had asked him that question, he was asking it to himself, over and over again. Of course he knew for sure that he’d loved N, but what about now that he knew he and Lord Hakyeon were the same person?

Sanghyuk wanted to hate him. Maybe not quite like he always had when he looked at his face, but still somewhat. Or at least feel nothing for him. But he couldn’t do either.

The more he thought about it, more than ever before in the past weeks, it was painfully clear that he didn’t hate Hakyeon. That the hatred that overcame him when he saw him was not just unreasonable and unfounded, but also unnatural. It shouldn’t exist.

Yet the love that he felt when he was with N, it was all too real. It was well founded, it was as natural as breathing. It had even been there when he’d been with Lord Hakyeon, even without him knowing they were the same person; it had been there in the moments he longed to see his face, even though he knew the hatred would follow immediately. And it had been there when he knew the hatred was wrong, and felt the need to not just apologize to the other, but console him and take the pain he saw in his eyes away.

Sanghyuk drew a ragged breath as the realization hit him, and a tear slid down his cheek. Despite everything, he loved N… or Hakyeon.

He was hurt, yes, and he did want an explanation at some point, but first…

He’d hurt Hakyeon, too. And he needed to right that wrong. He needed to find him, and he needed to apologize. He needed Hakyeon to know that nothing had changed about the fact he loved him.

Determined and feeling some kind of strength for the first time that day, he pushed his covers back and got out of bed. The night was cold, and he quickly slipped into his warm robe, but he wouldn’t waste any more time with something as trivial as clothing.

What he did need to waste time with was some kind of light, because the hallways were dark and he would never find his way through them without a lamp…

Grabbing the flint stones from where he knew Hongbin always kept them, he moved the utensils he needed to the side board under the window. The full moon should provide at least enough light so he could see what he was doing –even if he still didn’t know what he was actually doing, because he still couldn’t work the damned stones if his life depended on it. He didn’t even manage to get them to spark, just how did Hongbin manage to light a whole fire with them?!

With a sigh, he rolled his eyes, ready to try again- and froze. Something outside caught his eye, and his heart knew what it was before his brain caught up. A flash of red, dulled by the light of the moon but still vibrant enough to be unmistakable. His heart stopped. What was Hakyeon doing on the roof? At this time of the night?

Once again, his brain was too slow, only catching up when his heart already had him racing out of the door of his chambers. He might not know the hallways in the dark, might not know the way to the roof or even his way around the wing whose roof Hakyeon was standing on; all he knew was that he had to get there, and quick.

He cursed and tears ran down his face when he ended up in front of locked doors or dead end hallways, but somehow, he found himself on the attic after a while. It was even darker up there, but an open door –or window?- allowed moonlight to filter in. He pushed his way through discarded furniture and broken collectibles, stubbing his feet and cutting his hand, but he didn’t care as he hurried towards the opening in the roof.

And then he stepped outside, just a couple of steps away from where Hakyeon was standing way too close to the edge. What was he doing standing on the railing, for heaven’s sake?

Sanghyuk was sure his heart was about to stop forever from the emotional and physical strain he was constantly putting it through.

“Hyung, what are you doing…?!” He panted, breathless and terrified, and wanted to slap himself the next second as his words startled the other.

“Stop where you are, Sanghyuk!” The older’s words trembled, and Sanghyuk was sure he saw the tracks of tears glistening on his face.

“Hyung, don’t… Don’t do that…!” Sanghyuk pleaded, taking another step forward.

“I said stop! Don’t come any closer! Just leave!” Hakyeon near yelled, and Sanghyuk paused for a second.

“Hyung-“

“I don’t want to hear it! Go away, just go! Go back to bed and leave me alone!”

Sanghyuk shook his head, tears welling up in his own eyes, but he fought them down.

“No, hyung. I can’t. Please don’t… Please come down from there, please…!”

Hakyeon laughed, but it wasn’t a pleasant laugh. It was the saddest laugh the world had ever heard.

“I will, Sanghyuk. I will. But I want to spend at least my last moment without someone who hates me around. And without someone who hates me interfering. Do you really hate me that much that you can’t give me even that little?!”

Sanghyuk wanted to scream at that.

“I don’t hate you! I don’t hate you one bit, hyung! Not the slightest!”

Hakyeon shook his head, turning away completely from Sanghyuk.

“I saw you, Sanghyuk. I saw the look in your eyes. I heard it in your voice. Time and time again.”

Sanghyuk took the chance to close as much distance between Hakyeon and him as he could.

“I don’t know what happened there, hyung. I don’t know where that hatred came from, but it wasn’t from me. I don’t hate you. In fact, I love you. With all my heart, hyu- Hakyeon.”

The older froze, and Sanghyuk took the opportunity to close the rest of the distance separating them, wrapping his arms around Hakyeon’s torso from behind and holding him securely.

“I love you, Hakyeon.” He repeated against Hakyeon’s cold back, only clothed in a night gown.

Hakyeon didn’t move, nor did he say anything, and Sanghyuk just held him for a moment longer, before stepping back and lifting the older off the railing and placing him on the ground in front of him. His heart beat frantically as he closed his eyes in precaution and made Hakyeon turn around in his embrace.

Searchingly, carefully, he lifted one hand up to Hakyeon’s face, tracing and mapping his features with it while still holding him close with the other.

“It’s impossible…” Hakyeon’s voice was nothing but a pained whisper.

 Sanghyuk only shook his head at him.

“It’s not. I love you more than anything else, more than I can even comprehend. Hakyeon…”

He felt the older shake in his embrace, swallowing thickly before shaking his head again. But Sanghyuk didn’t wait for what the other had to say, if he had to say anything.

Leaning forward, his lips found Hakyeon’s as if the movement had been practiced a million times. He tasted the salt of his tears and the coldness of the night on Hakyeon’s lips, together with a sweetness that had to be unique to Hakyeon.

Hakyeon didn’t pull away, but he didn’t reciprocate the kiss, either. Slowly, Sanghyuk pulled back, breaking the kiss but never letting go of Hakyeon and still cupping his face.

Tentatively, he opened his eyes. And found Hakyeon’s, staring at him fearfully. But Sanghyuk’s loving expression didn’t change. No hatred flared up in his gaze, and the seconds ticked by.

And then, a blood curdling scream echoed through the night, and Hakyeon collapsed in Sanghyuk’s arms.


	10. Chapter 10

Sanghyuk was sure that was the moment his heart would stop for sure, but he didn’t have the time for that.

“Hakyeon!” Sanghyuk panicked, but he couldn’t allow himself to succumb to his fear.

“Hakyeon, Hakyeon! Please wake up, please, please!”

He quickly gathered the older in his arms, carrying him back to the opening in the roof that led through the attic.

Even more careless than before, he pushed things out of his way as he made his way through the crowded space, nothing but getting help for Hakyeon on his mind. He ran down the stairs as fast as his legs could carry him, but he was unfamiliar with the area of the castle he was in.

“Hongbin! Hongbin, help!”

He yelled, darting down the closest hallway, but quickly realized he didn’t recognize a thing about it.

“Damn it! Wonshik! Hongbin, Wonshik! Help!”

He ran back, trying another hallway, and at least that one seemed to lead somewhere. Where, he couldn’t tell. He had no idea where he was going, or where he should be going. Where even were Hakyeon’s chambers?

“Hongbin! Help! Where are you?! Wonshik!”

He took another flight of stairs down, trying to at least find back to his own chambers, and he thought he vaguely recognized the hallway he ended up in.

“Where is everyone?! Hongbin! Damn it! Jaehwan, Taekwoon! Anyone!”

He kept running, barely feeling the weight of the other in his arms in his panic.

Finally, he heard footsteps running towards him, just as he recognized the hallway he’d just turned into as the one leading to his own chambers. Both Hongbin and Wonshik were approaching him quickly now, eyes wide as they saw him and the man in his arms.

“He just passed out, I don’t know… Help!” He gasped as they came to a stop, staring at him with wide eyes and open mouths.

“Over here, come, let’s get him to your room.” Wonshik pulled him with him, and Sanghyuk quickly followed him to his own chambers where he gently laid Hakyeon down on his bed. He turned around again just in time to see the door open to allow the butler and cook in, and it took him a moment of confusion before he remembered he’d called out for them, too, as he was running blindly through the castle.

“What happened? What’s wrong? Oh god, hyung! What the hell is going on?” Jaehwan burst out, his eyes wide in shock.

Sanghyuk wrapped his arms around himself protectively, shivering under the cold look from Taekwoon’s eyes as the cook shoved him aside to get to Hakyeon on the bed.

“The roof-… I saw- He was there. I-I ran there, but- I made it just in time, but he told me to leave. I told him- That I don’t hate him! That I love him! He- he froze, and I took the chance to get him away from… anyway, I- I kissed him, and then he just- He just fainted! I don’t know- I don’t know why, why would he faint?!”

He stammered, trying to explain what had happened, too confused to understand what had really happened himself. When he looked around at the gathered servants, though, one by one he saw some kind of understanding flash in their eyes, but no one spoke up. It only unnerved Sanghyuk even more.

“You know something! I can tell you do! What is it; what’s wrong with Hakyeon?!” His voice broke. “Please, I need to know!”

Eventually, Hongbin looked up and finishing patting a crying Wonshik’s shoulder while he passed him on to cry against Jaehwan’s chest instead. He closed the distance to Sanghyuk then, who had to remind himself to stand his ground and not step back when the servant approached him.

He would have expected a punch to the face or something like that, a punishment for allegedly hurting Hakyeon, but nothing could have prepared him for reality.

Hongbin wrapped his arms around him and pulled him into a tight hug.

Sanghyuk gasped, surprised beyond belief and unsure of how to react.

“Ho-Hongbin-…”

“You saved him, Sanghyuk.”

Sanghyuk didn’t understand a thing.

“You saved him! You broke the curse!”

Sanghyuk heard a quiet gasp form someone else in the room, but couldn’t make out who.

“The curse?! What curse?!”

Hongbin finally let go, wiping at a tear on his face as he stepped back.

“Look at him. Look at his face. You can see him, can’t you? And you don’t hate him when you look at him, right?!”

Sanghyuk looked at Hakyeon’s face, resting with a perfectly peaceful expression on his pillow, then back at Hongbin, who he thought must have lost his wits at some point.

“Of course I don’t hate him!”

Hongbin shook his head.

“But you used to, right? Whenever you met him in the mornings, in his study. As soon as you saw his face, you’d feel an all overpowering hatred, right?”

Sanghyuk took a step away from Hongbin, raising his hands defensively.

“I didn’t want to! I didn’t hate him! I don’t know why- I didn’t control that!”

“It was the curse, Sanghyuk!”

Sanghyuk shook his head, retreating further and not understanding a thing. That was when Taekwoon stepped in, placing a hand on Hongbin’s shoulder and telling him to step down with a shake of his head.

“We’re getting nowhere like this. Jaehwan-ah…” He addressed the butler, who was still holding onto Wonshik, and the other nodded in understanding, clearing his throat.

“This is a little complicated, but I’ll try to explain.

“Hakyeon was still young when his father fell ill. He was very close to him, and it devastated him –and all of us, but of course him the most- to see disease deteriorate his condition so quickly. He asked a healer from the village over to come and help him, but the old Lord Cha died anyway. Hakyeon was sick with grief, and when the healer came in just moments after the Lord had expelled his last breath and demanded payment, Hakyeon lost it. He cursed at the woman, blaming her for his father’s death. The woman didn’t take Hakyeon’s cursing lightly, and decided to curse him instead;

“He was to never again meet someone that could stand looking at his face without hatred; he was to stand out as a misfit in any crowd when he stepped out of the house; never again would he be able to take a meal with company without the food turning to dirt in his mouth; rest should forever elude him except for the bare necessary to survive; no laugh would ever pass his lips again...

“To name just a few of the curses.

“We didn’t think much of it, waited until the woman was done, paid her and sent her on her way. But the curses came true. Every single one of them. And Hakyeon has been suffering from them ever since.

“We tried our best to find a way to break the curse, but there was nothing we could do. It would take someone who didn’t know Hakyeon before the curse and nothing about the curse to fall in love with him to break it. We all love him, but we’d known him before the curse and knew about it from the moment it was cast. And it wasn’t the right kind of love, either. But everyone else who met Hakyeon for the first time immediately hated him, and it was impossible for anyone to fall in love with him that way. So eventually, everyone kind of gave up.

“Until you came. You gave us all hope again, but… let’s just say, we are terrible advisors and Hakyeon probably shouldn’t have listened to us… At least then you wouldn’t have had to get him down from the roof!

“Anyway, if it hadn’t been for you, Lord Sanghyuk… I’m so glad you saw him out there and went after him. I can’t imagine-… What he could have done-…” He finally broke off, shaking his head.

“But you saved him, Lord Sanghyuk. And you really broke the curse, if I’m seeing this right.”

Sanghyuk shook his head, massaging his temples as the flood of information he could hardly believe tried to settle in his brain. Eventually, his eyes wandered towards Hakyeon again; he hesitated before looking up at his face out of habit, and his heart clenched painfully.

“But… why isn’t he waking up? Why did he faint in the first place?”

If it wasn’t for the faint raising and falling of his chest, one couldn’t tell the other was still alive as he laid there, perfectly immobile.

“It must be the shock from the curse being broken… My grandmother once mentioned that something like that could happen when a powerful curse is lifted… Hyung’s curse was pretty powerful…” Wonshik piped up from Jaehwan’s embrace.

“And how long does it take for him to wake up again?”

No one had an answer to that.

“He hasn’t slept properly in years. If the curse is lifted now, I can imagine him catching up on that now…”

Sanghyuk’s eyes widened fearfully at Wonshik’s remark, but Hongbin elbowed his lover with a shake of his head.

“I can’t tell, really, but it shouldn’t take long. My grandmother never said anything about sleeping for a significant amount of time after fainting…”

“If your grandmother didn’t consider the amount of time you manage to sleep on average when no one wakes you a significant amount of time, then we could still be waiting here for hyung to wake up when we are old and grey…” Jaehwan muttered under his breath, but Hongbin kicked his shin, too, chastising him for potentially scaring Sanghyuk further.

“I believe he’s going to wake up soon and be alright then now that the curse is broken. He never slept for long even before the curse.” Taekwoon gave the first answer that managed to reassure Sanghyuk somewhat.

Hongbin nodded at the cook’s words.

“I think so, too. We should just let him rest. And you need to rest, too, Sanghyuk. But not before I take a look at your hand!” It was only when the servant pointed it out that Sanghyuk remembered he’d cut himself on the attic.

Suddenly exhausted, he sat down on the edge of the bed and nodded weakly. It was Hongbin who took it upon himself to escort the others out of the room, just to return shortly after with a small water basin and a roll of clean linen strips.

Sanghyuk let him clean the wound on his hand in silence, watching him disinterestedly as he covered it up.

“Sanghyuk-ah… You really should sleep, too. You won’t do Hakyeon-hyung any favours if you exhaust yourself. He’ll wake up soon enough, and you won’t miss it.”

Sanghyuk grimaced, not wanting to go to sleep and wait instead, but for the first time his servant’s stare actually intimidated him and he followed his order to get into bed, although begrudgingly.

No sooner had Hongbin left the room, though, sleep had already claimed him as the exhaustion of the last few days took its toll.


	11. Chapter 11

Sanghyuk woke up when he felt something shift on the bed next to him. Blinking his eyes open tiredly, he vaguely realized the sun was already pretty far up in the sky. He was confused for a moment; why hadn’t Hongbin woken him up earlier, it wasn’t normal for him to sleep this long…

Again, something shifted under the covers next to him, and Sanghyuk remembered what had woken him up.

Still drowsy from sleep, he propped himself up on his elbows, looking down at the bed next to him. For some reason, it didn’t surprise him to see a mop of hair peeking out from under the blankets, even though it took him a moment longer to remember the events of the night.

A small smile decorated his lips as he watched Hakyeon wake up, shifting again until he rolled onto his back, the blanket slipping back to uncover his face and simultaneously allowing a cheeky ray of sunshine to shine into his eyes.

The Lord groaned, scrunching his eyes shut even further to block the sunlight, and Sanghyuk suppressed a chuckle. He looked adorable like this! He took mercy on him, though, and moved to block the sunlight tormenting him.

That was when the older stilled, stiffening where he lay. Carefully, he blinked his eyes open, and as soon as he recognized Sanghyuk, dread widened his fearful eyes.

Sanghyuk’s heart clenched painfully upon seeing Hakyeon’s reaction, but he didn’t let it dim his smile.

“Good morning, hyung…” He merely whispered, and it took another couple of long heartbeats before realization dawned on Hakyeon. He blinked at Sanghyuk in mute surprise, unable to quite comprehend what what he was seeing meant.

“Hyung-” Sanghyuk started, slowly getting a bit concerned, but Hakyeon interrupted him.

“It was real?” His voice was but a hoarse whisper, disbelief tainting it deeply.

Sanghyuk’s smile grew, and he was sure a stupid amount of love was pouring out of his gaze.

“It was, hyung. The curse is broken.”

Hakyeon gasped, tears welling up in his eyes, and he reached out towards Sanghyuk, who understood his silent request for a hug. Hakyeon almost crushed him with how tightly his arms locked around Sanghyuk, but that wasn’t the reason Sanghyuk teared up as well as Hakyeon hid broken sobs against his shoulder.

“It’s over, hyung. You don’t have to hide anymore. Jaehwan and the others told me all about the curse; and it’s over now.”

Hakyeon shook in the younger’s arms, his tears only drying slowly. But even when they did, he didn’t seem to be able to let go of Sanghyuk just yet. Eventually, after an eternity that still seemed way too short to Sanghyuk, he did pull away, though.

“Sanghyuk-ah…” He started tentatively, and Sanghyuk answered with an encouraging hum.

“I- I don’t remember much about last night… It’s all a blur… Did you really kiss me?”

Sanghyuk blushed, biting his lip.

“I did… I’m sorry, I shouldn’t-“

Hakyeon shook his head vehemently.

“Nonsense! It broke the curse! But- _I_ am sorry, for I don’t remember it…”

Sanghyuk blinked at the older questioningly, and it was his turn to blush and avert his eyes momentarily.

“Sanghyuk-ah… Would you kiss me again?”

Sanghyuk’s heart leapt, and he couldn’t care less anymore if Hakyeon would be the reason it stopped beating at some point. Without wasting another moment’s time, he leaned forward and sealed Hakyeon’s lips with his own. And this time, the older didn’t stay unresponsive, answering his movements with the same fervor as their lips and tongues melded together until it was impossible to tell where one began and the other ended.

The sheer overwhelming nature of it all was what made them back up eventually, breaking the kiss, but not for long as neither could get enough of the other.

***

Sanghyuk eventually found himself alone in the breakfast salon once more, but he might as well have been surrounded by a hundred people and he wouldn’t have noticed it.

Hakyeon had left at some point, claiming that he desperately needed to get back to his room before anyone saw him and get dressed in some of his own clothes. Sanghyuk had argued that the whole castle probably knew what had happened the night before and exactly where Hakyeon had spent the night by now, and he might as well borrow some of his clothes, but the older had hit his shoulder with an intensifying blush and mumbled something about Sanghyuk being a giant and that he would look like a poltergeist apprentice if he tried to wear his clothes before slipping away. Just before the door closed behind him, he’d told Sanghyuk not to wait up for him and to go ahead and eat breakfast without him.

For a moment, Sanghyuk had felt a pang of disappointment, but then hunger won over and he’d ventured to the salon alone.

He had no idea what he was even eating now, he just knew it wasn’t bad and it filled his stomach while his mind was somewhere else entirely.

“Sanghyuk-ah! Would you just stop daydreaming already and focus on the present for at least a moment!”

Sanghyuk jumped in his seat, choking on the piece of food in his mouth as he finally registered Hongbin standing in front of him, his arms crossed but a bemused look in his eyes taking away from the harsh line his mouth was set in.

“Hongbin! You startled me!” He accused the other when his coughing fit died down.

“Not my fault when you don’t pay the slightest attention to your surroundings. Anyway, hurry up. Lord Hakyeon has asked to see you.”

Sanghyuk’s eyes widened.

“What?”

Hongbin rolled his eyes.

“In his study. He wants to talk to you. As soon as possible.”

Sanghyuk blinked in confusion, but got up, the rest of his breakfast forgotten.

“Why?”

Hongbin shrugged.

“How would I know?!”

From the look in his eyes, Sanghyuk was sure the servant knew exactly why, but he followed him quietly.

Like so many times before, Hongbin led the way to Hakyeon’s study, waiting for Sanghyuk to catch up before he knocked, opened the doors and let Sanghyuk inside, closing the doors behind him again.

The study looked like always when Sanghyuk stepped inside, with only one significant difference: all the curtains were drawn back, and light flooded the room.

Hakyeon stood with his back to him in his usual spot, only now it wasn’t hidden in the shadows but bathed in the golden light of the sun coming in through the wide open windows.

“Lord Sanghyuk, please have a seat.”

Sanghyuk rose an eyebrow at the formality, but sat down in his usual chair anyway.

“I have found you a potential spouse.” Hakyeon declared into the silence of the room, and Sanghyuk almost leapt up from his seat.

“What?!” Confusion and a not insignificant amount of hurt bled into the single word, but Hakyeon shook his head to silence him.

“Of course, it is up to you if you accept their offer, but you should know that I was no longer able to stay impartial and can’t say my choice was made with only your benefit in mind. In fact, I dare say that it was made mostly for my own selfish gain and profit…”

Sanghyuk’s eyes widened as Hakyeon turned around and approached him, his face a mask of calm and collected, but something in the look in the other Lord’s eyes confused Sanghyuk. He gasped, though, when Hakyeon stopped right in front of him, just to sink down onto one knee in front of him.

“Lord Sanghyuk, would you marry me?”

Sanghyuk was sure he was about to faint right then and there, all of the air leaving his lungs in a rush as if he’d been punched, while his heart didn’t know if it should stop or beat faster than ever before.

Struggling for air, he jumped up from his seat, towering over the kneeling Hakyeon before taking his outstretched hand in his.

“Get up, Lord Hakyeon.”

The older blinked confusedly, and Sanghyuk tugged on his hand again.

“Get up.”

A shimmer of fear flitted over Hakyeon’s eyes, and Sanghyuk squeezed his hand comfortingly as he helped him up.

“Let’s go outside. Please.”

Confusion and veiled hurt were clear in Hakyeon’s face as Sanghyuk pulled him along and out into the gardens. He didn’t know what to make of it as Sanghyuk didn’t answer his question -the most important one he’d ever asked- but didn’t let go of his hand, either.

Once outside, though, Sanghyuk slowed down his pace, interlacing his fingers with Hakyeon’s properly as they strolled along the winded paths in silence for a long time.

Eventually, Sanghyuk spoke up.

“Why N?”

Hakyeon blinked.

“What?”

“Why did you choose the name N when we first met out here?”

Hakyeon smiled fondly.

“It’s a relic from my childhood. There was a book I read back then that I loved. There was this character, Agent N; He fascinated me, I wanted to be like him. The others –Taekwoon, Jaehwan, Wonshik and Hongbin- they read the book too, and each chose a character that they would play. Sometimes we played the story like it was in the book, sometimes we gave them a new story. I was always Agent N, and when we would try to hide things from the adults, we would always refer to each other as our characters. Eventually, they stuck as nicknames for quite a while.”

Sanghyuk listened with wide eyes, trying to imagine the carefree times in which Hakyeon and his friends must have played like that. He’d never had a time like that himself, and he was curious about what it had to be like.

“What book was it?”

Hakyeon chuckled.

“You know it, I’ve seen it in your room. Haven’t you read it yet?”

Now that Hakyeon mentioned it, something rang a bell in Sanghyuk’s head.

“That boring old thing?”

“Hey! It’s not boring!” Hakyeon was quick to defend the book, and a mischievous smile played on Sanghyuk’s lips.

“But it is! The story is so predictable and full of clichés, and there is no depth to the characters! I almost fell asleep while reading it, I just couldn’t focus. And that Agent N! He is so dense, how is he even an agent?!”

Hakyeon stopped dead in his tracks, glaring at the younger as he pulled him to a stop.

“Hey! What are you saying?! You want to die?!”

Sanghyuk bit his lip to hide his amusement.

“I never finished the book, I couldn’t stand it anymore… But either way, I’m sure the way Agent N kept failing he would never get together with his beloved anyway-“

“What the-! He didn’t fail!” Hakyeon stomped his foot quite childishly, pulling on Sanghyuk’s hand harder than intended and making the younger stumble towards him.

Not quite accidentally, Sanghyuk landed against the older’s chest, smiling down at him as the proximity stole the older’s breath.

“Agent N was dumb, because he could never see when anyone tried to let him know how they felt about him. He always believed everyone only saw him as what his job made him, but not the real him. They could scream their feelings in his face, and he would still doubt them…”

Sanghyuk looped his free arm around Hakyeon’s back, holding him in place, and he could see how all thoughts and possible retorts fled Hakyeon’s mind as he stared up into his eyes with his lips still parted from his interrupted attempt to defend his favourite character from that book.

Sanghyuk smiled before he caught those lips with his own, kissing Hakyeon slowly but passionately. Still, it was only a short kiss; one that left both of them slightly breathless, but not from lack of air.

Sanghyuk was the one who pulled out of the kiss first, stepping back and giving Hakyeon room to breathe before they continued their way through the garden.

As much as Sanghyuk couldn’t get enough of Hakyeon, there was still an inner turmoil in him that wouldn’t quite let him give in to the older just yet.

Eventually, they reached the small clearing with the lonely stone bench, and sat down for a rest. There was no distance between them, and Hakyeon rested his head on Sanghyuk’s shoulder, which the younger welcomed gladly. His free hand found its way up to play with the older’s soft hair, his fingers running idly through the dark strands.

“Hyung… How did you do that with your hair?”

Hakyeon blinked inquisitively.

“What thing?”

“When I met you in your study, you always had dark hair, but out here, when I met you as N, it was bright red…”

Hakyeon sighed.

“It was the curse. As soon as I left the house, my hair turned red. Only under my own roof it was dark. That’s why I never met anyone outside of my own house… That hair colour was a sign that marked me as cursed whenever I went outside…”

 _‘He was to stand out as a misfit in any crowd when he stepped out of the house’_ Sanghyuk remembered Jaehwan’s words about the curse the night before.

“I liked your red hair, though. It was different, but it was pretty. It suited you.”

Hakyeon lifted his head off Sanghyuk’s shoulder, giving him an incredulous look, but his features softened when he saw the sincerity on the younger’s face. Appeased, he rested his head on his shoulder again.

“I’m glad it’s gone, though…”

Sanghyuk only hummed.

“Is it true that food turned into dirt in your mouth when you ate in company of someone else?”

Hakyeon grimaced.

“Yes.”

Sanghyuk shuddered.

“That sounds disgusting.”

“That _is_ disgusting, trust me!”

“How did you handle important dinner meetings then?”

“I avoided them as best as I could. I didn’t go to other’s dinners, since I’d stand out wrongly anyway. And tried to avoid stretching meetings here until late.”

“And when you couldn’t? When the meetings stretched until dinner?”

Hakyeon didn’t answer, but his silence was answer enough and Sanghyuk shuddered.

“How long has it been since you were cursed?” He asked eventually, and Hakyeon shifted uncomfortably.

“Over seven years. About seven and a half; a little more than that.”

Sanghyuk nodded, losing himself in thought and the silence stretched on between them, only interrupted by the singing of birds in the bushes around them and the fluttering of their small wings.

“Hakyeon… Are you only asking to marry me because I broke your curse?”

Finally, Sanghyuk managed to ask the question that had been burning in his chest all this time, even though it was barely more than a hushed whisper.

Hakyeon sat up straight then, but Sanghyuk didn’t look at him, his eyes unseeingly wandering over the ground by his feet until Hakyeon cupped his face and turned it so he was looking at him. He didn’t start talking until Sanghyuk’s eyes found his.

“Sanghyuk-ah… Even though I’ll be eternally grateful to you for breaking that wretched curse, that isn’t why I’m asking you to marry me… I wanted you to marry me even before the curse was broken, only I couldn’t ask you then.”

Sanghyuk could see the sincerity burning in the other’s eyes, but it still wasn’t enough to reassure him.

“Really?”

Hakyeon nodded.

“That day when you first found me, crying out here on this same bench, I couldn’t believe it that you didn’t scream at me and ran away immediately. And when you agreed to come see me again the next day, I was sure that day would be the happiest of my life. But every single day after that that you came out here and we tended to the garden together, when we sat here and rested, when we talked about everything and nothing, and you still didn’t hate me… Every single day was even better than that first day.

“Then when I decided to meet you officially, and you screamed your hatred at me, it felt as if my heart had been ripped out, but no one had the mercy to just break it and be done with it. Instead, it felt as if it was lying just out of my reach, bleeding and tortured. But when you found me here, again, you picked it up and put it back in its place. And while it was still hurting, it was whole. But at the end of that day I realized it no longer belonged to me… It was beating in my chest, but it wasn’t mine anymore.

“It took me a while to come to terms with that… But I knew I couldn’t have you, and so I decided that I had to get myself together and start working on the reason why you came here in the first place.

“It was the hardest thing I’d ever done, trying to find someone who would get to spend the rest of their lives with you, see you every day, kiss you- and it felt worse than all of the parts of the curse together. And then when I met you in the mornings… It wasn’t my idea to try and pry it out of you what you were looking for in a spouse, but… Jaehwan and Hongbin were so sure you would eventually be the one to break the curse, and… I hope you can forgive me, but I was desperate after so many years and there was a tiny chance, for the first time…

“Those meetings were my own personal hell, though. I knew they were just as bad for you, but I was selfish and desperate. And I deserved every single time that you looked at me with hatred in your eyes.

“Then you almost confessed to me, almost. Twice, even, and I couldn’t take it anymore. I hated myself for being two people in your eyes -one you cared for, one you hated- and I couldn’t stand it anymore. And when I saw the pain in your eyes and heard it in your scream, my heart was ripped out of me once again. It didn’t crush, but it was held in an excruciating iron grip out of my reach, and it still belonged to you.

“I managed to convince myself that you hated me for good now, though, and I couldn’t live with it. I’d rather be dead… And then you found me… And-… and-…” He sighed, shaking his head as he broke off and averted his gaze.

Sanghyuk needed a moment longer to process what Hakyeon had just told him, but eventually, he shook his head, sighing as well.

“You know… Agent N fits you very well as a character, because you _are_ as dumb and dramatic as him…”

He lifted his hand to trail his fingers along the edge of Hakyeon’s jaw, cupping his face afterwards.

“I should be so mad at you for those horrible meetings you’ve put me through, and I should want to strangle Jaehwan and Hongbin for their stupid idea, but in the end… In the end it all turned out right, didn’t it?”

Hakyeon blinked at Sanghyuk owlishly.

“So you’re not mad at us? At me, for… for trying to use you to break the curse?”

Sanghyuk shrugged.

“After that long a time of being under such a horrible curse, everyone would be desperate to break it, I guess. And… You already got punished enough. So no, I’m not mad.”

Hakyeon heaved a sigh of relief, wrapping his arms around Sanghyuk and hiding his face against his shoulder, just like the many times he’d done it before when Sanghyuk had only known him as N. He stiffened, though, when he remembered times weren’t like then anymore, and made to let go of Sanghyuk again.

The younger rolled his eyes, shaking his head amusedly as he wrapped his arms around Hakyeon in turn.

“My answer is Yes, by the way…”

Hakyeon froze.

“What?”

Sanghyuk sighed, nudging Hakyeon teasingly.

“Really, so dense, our N-hyung! Yes, I would like to marry you!”

Hakyeon gasped, pulling away from Sanghyuk only far enough to see his face.

“You do?”

“I do.”


End file.
